Tags: the now book

hair syrup curl

so, being brave just means pretending you aren't scared.

I know I talk about confrontation like I think its no big thing, and people assume it comes easy to me.

However, sometimes I get a lot of anxiety trying to stand my ground, in little situations that aren't really important. For example sending an email to a potential client saying "no I wont lower my rates for you for no reason, they stay where they are, but I can work for less time, if that will help." and knowing I probably wont get this job because I think the person sounds shady. But I really want to person to hire me, and don't like rejection. Sometimes even if I am rejecting the other person it still feels like rejection and I get insecure.

Confrontation is hard and anxiety reducing becuase I fear that I will close/burn metephorical bridges that way. The reality is that sometimes that happens but much less often than we expect.

So yes it's hard. Sorry I ever make anyone feel bad when I pretend otherwise. But we still need to do it, because we need to communicate. The more you do it, the less scary it gets, and the better you'll get at doing it without upsetting anyone.
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Chaos theory - give feed back?

Paper work, like the laundry, never ends. Sitting at a desk, there are fingers spotched with blue ink. Once organized white rectangular piles are scattered, crinkled, lost and confused. The face assosiated with the fingers becomes oily from the amount of fiddling with ones hair that comes with consternation and concentration, and begins to hope that end of this round of papers will be the end of everything: the end of worry, the need to account for the past and the need to account for the future, the end of all the unfinished projects carefully put just out of view from the desk, but not carefully enough, the end of every annoyance, of everything.

One may sometimes lead him or herself to believe, just for a small while, that sleep will be the end of the day, the end of the work, and the end of the ever adjacent world. It is a wearing down of repetitious reorganization and several of possibly infinite reiterations of a mix of daily habits and the relearning and reunderstanding of an ever increasing supply of knowledge, of increasingly complicated intricacies.

The fact that the day does indeed restart probably led my sister and others to drugs, and others to management, and others to religion, and others to gangs, others to hiring assistants and others still to suicide.

The world is chaotic and massive, and there just keep being more people on the world, and most of them annoyingly not empathic telepathic mind readers who can both teleport and perform telekinesis, and also pass down all their memories and understanding of the world to the similarly awesome offspring. I imagine these qualities would make the world a lot easier to organize. As it is, we all have to work really really hard to make and then distribute everything, and then try to be efficient at it at varying levels, from ending world hunger and aids to making sure the shipment of paperclips comes in on time and is approved by all the right people.

I've decided I don't like chaos. I like for everything to be simple and organized. Science textbooks, when done right, are satisfying. in addition to a table of contents and correctly labled pictures, most everything fits. Atoms make sense, the krebs cycle makes sense, everything fits together well.

... to be continued. sleep now. or book. Also remember something about chaos = beauty = order

to end "chaos and order in uncalculatably (and unmathematically) equal amounts" but with better words than chaos and order, and you know, a sentance around it that proves a oint, and few paragraphs backing up whatever that point is... (to be relvealed in said paragraphs)

This is an effort in my practice of concentration, by the way, and in putting aside other thoughts and distractions for whichever stream of thought ought to be most worth my attention, or at least enough worth it that I was actually trying to think it and would enjoy continuing to do so without being distracted with thoughts like, it is distracting to have other things in my line of veiw, but I should think that if all I had was a blank wall, I would stair at it and think about the fact that there was an obnoxiously blank wall. Or I might get distracted by the thought that almost all my great thoughts come to me in the shower and I can't write them down immediatly, so I iddelly (sp?) compose paragraphs, sometimes very nice succint essays, in my mind's voice, though usually I'd get distracted by the time I got out, and, more often than not, forget by the time I get to write something down. And then you get something like this paragraph. And now I am going to sleep presumably.
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Rin has an awesome tag at the end of her email. I really like it:

To laugh often and much,
To win the respect of intelligent people
And the affection of children,
To earn the appreciation of honest critics
And endure the betrayal of false friends,
To appreciate beauty,
To find the best in others,
To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child or a garden patch...
To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived,
This is to have succeeded!
-Adapted from Bessie Stanley's "Success"
hair syrup curl

Sorry, My brain just happens to be functioning today.

I wonder:

Nomadicy. Like as in nomadic people, but as a concept. I believe it detracts from life- from focus, or ability to finish large projects, or deep relationships, or stability, sure.
Communities allow someone to retreat into themselves without being forgotten, in order that they can understand and know themselves better. I believe it is hard to get to know one's self without a stable environment, because I think they are too much around other people, and even relying on other people. These past sentences did not make sense. Kay, so imagine you are traveling. People do not know you, and people are also generally fascinating. So you are meeting all these great people and talking to them. Then you leave, go somewhere else. You're staying in little hotel rooms or tents, or in small spaces that do not belong to you. Everything is transitory. You bring little with you. It is easy to drop off the face of existence, which you cannot do if you need interaction with people. And people are fascinating. But not only that, there are emotions and hormones and shit one gains from interaction which are probably important. So if you drop away, and then you want friends again, you have to start all over, which is a lot of work, and after a while all those new interesting opinions have only gotten you so far because you haven't experienced anything past the rudimentary stages of interpersonal interaction. In order to really know yourself, I think you have to know a lot of people in stages past that of friendly acquaintance. (Not to mention that there are intellectual parts of the brain that are think are neglected when everyone you've met only ever becomes your acquaintance. But I have nothing to back up that idea)
So in having to start all over, you can never have a support system behind you if you want to examine the workings of your own brain. Also, if your always traveling and nothing is garunteed to stick around, you are not going to invest in things. This can mean not doing large art projects maybe, or it could mean a lack of access to materials you might want to experiment. Perhaps you are a brilliant scientific mind but don't know it because you are always traveling.

My point is that traveling, or as I said, nomadicy, can define a life absolutely, leaving little room for anything else. In having absolute freedom, one traps their self with a lack of stability, and inability to access community.

All of this is under the assumption that the one traveling is not in a band of people, As in our society, I don't believe there are actual nomadic groups of people who stick together as a community. I think it is a pretty personal thing.

(This thought was inspired to my awareness of my previous predisposition in favor of nomadicy. Also, and more so, in my mothers nomadic tendacys. She's been all over and done all sorts of things, but she is lost and alone.)
hair syrup curl

(no subject)

Internal dialogue is very important.
Stay upbeat in your head and you'll feel better.
Tell yourself negative things and you'll feel like shit.

Aren't I brilliant?

Its intuitive now, but sometimes you don't notice yourself saying it to your self. I only noticed it yesterday because When prompted I was tempted to say , "fuck you."

Right now, yeah.
cool. huh? work. The day is wonderful. Not a lie. yeah.
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The best way to raise a child, the best thing you can every do for your child, is to take care of yourself.

Taking care of yourself means to go about your life in a healthy way. Including:

Do not be self deprecating.
Stay organized and on top of what you need to get done to keep yourself happy and un-disappointed with yourself.
Keep yourself clean (to the degree that it is important to you, but also to the degree that it will keep you and others healthy)
Do not criticize other people for things, unless you intend to make a moral out of it and have a grounded reason for it to be a problem for the person or others.
Do not criticize people you or the child know to the child- Unless you have talked to said person and they are unwilling to change, and you want the child to know where you stand on the issue.
Have reasons for things.
Don't ask your child for advice, and don't make decisions that you feel the need to question aloud. A child needs a firm solid base to put his or her roots upon.
Be aware of your behavior: if you have morals follow them. If you have a pet peeve, pay attention to make sure you are not doing it yourself. This will help make sure you do not dislike the company of your child for picking up your bad habits.
Stay calm, deal with problems well. Your child will learn that from you. Only help your child with problems if they have explained to you why they cannot do it themselves. If you ever need their help, be sure and tell them why. HOwever, if they do need help, give it to them.
Follow through with commitments. This is similar to being organized. Come through for yourself as well as your child, so that they can rely on you.

These are just some thoughts I was having. I do this in my head a lot.
Why I haven't written any recently I don't know.

The main point of this is, I suppose, that the most important thing you can do is to be not self deprecating, and to follow through with your commitments to yourself.

I'm not sure that I want comments- but Who knows, I might. YOu could always send me an lj message if you must.
hair syrup curl

(no subject)

My goal in life is to convince other people to become existentialist, and stop wishing to procreate.

Life has no meaning, and there is so much time, and so little time, depending on what you do with it.
If I say that everything I do is meaningless, then I just sit there, doing nothing. Mankind must work. For no good reason. That is all we know how to do. without something to fill our time we go crazy.

Parasites of the earth just to pass time, meaningless time.

For this reason, why bring more people into the world?
They'll have the torture of passing time too.

Perhaps I should become a librarian and just read by life away? No, I'd hate it. As I know, I am driven to do something meaningful. I wonder if I'll be accepted to MIT. Would I go? Meaningless toil. It's funny I talk of passing time when right now I have too much of it. Perhaps our school system is perfect in that it prevents students from having a chance to notice the empty passing of time so harshly.

Perhaps I should become an artist in an effort to freeze small portions of the world in time.

I have no reason to live, and my self decided reason will then become to convince the rest of the world that this is universal.

yeah, that sentence is convoluted.
But now that I have purpose, I am less depressed.