Tags: surgery

hair syrup curl

Cuddle, listen to you're thoughts, speak them, listen to my heart beat, and love me.

My leg hurts. Its lonely here. I hate complaining, but I started out in such a good mood, and was fine being alone, and got lots of visitors and felt loved. And it steadily got worse i guess. I was spoiled to early on, and then left alone too much. Might have been better to have the specialness spread out. Ah well I hate complaining. I opened to this page to try to remember and record a couple epiphanies I had today. They were short and perfect. Said simply and awesomely in their succinctness, which I don't remember.
But I'll start out with a side note, which is that my sister loves and cares about me. Sometimes its hard to stomach her shallow bubbly attitude, but she is loving. I'm her baby, her little sis. Right now she is making dinner. Trying to figure out what I'd like to eat. "I'm the mack and cheese boss." She just said. She tries to make me happy. She does it in the most ineffective way: through giving me things, but the will is there and I appreciate it. She brings me random gifts, like a frozen coffee drink from her work today. But I rarely have emotional interaction with her, I guess partly because I am unwilling to trust her. But then she talks about mundane things, and tries, to dress herself up to seduce people, god only knows why, and then suggests watching T.V. It makes me sad.

So to thoughts from the day. I watched Shortbus today. Its a movie. And after it I had a thought: Compassion. That sounds so corny, but compassion is what is necessary. In my opinion, the movie wasn't about sex, though there was so much of it, but it was about the importance of compassion, I guess, and how fake things can be. It can seem like you've got your life together: A good job, a husband, etc. But its not so tangible. It can be held together with strings woven of weak beliefs... That sounds corny. My point was that people don't really interact, and don't really exist without compassion (I can explain existence if need be, but I'd rather you just take it for granted for now). People can't truly feel compassion for one another without being open and vulnerable. So, Ok, entertainment, sex and all that is nice, but whats it worth if people don't take time out from it to experience each other and connect. Vulnerability is like taking off your clothes, and allowing someone to penetrate you. That analogy doesn't work so well when connected to the connotations behind sex. But compassion can be one of the most important gestures one has to you. Often, I think, opening up to someone spontaneously, allowing them your trust, and their responding with a well placed pet, or some kind of physical contact, or gesture of interaction is more fulfilling than a full bodied hug, a kiss, any amount of passion or sex. Because you know the person is interested in you. The person is connected to you. Your mind is much more tangible than your body. (the only thing you can prove exists is your own mind. Anything else might be a figment of it.) So, what I'm saying, is that with compassion, its not necessary for someone to hold you tight and not let go. With compassion you exist as yourself? That makes no sense.
I'll move on to my next thought, because my guess is that I don't have the scientific evidence to prove the above thought. I myself am left alone. I mean, I think its right. But after having that revelation clearly stated in a simple sentence in my head, I was very sad and wanted to hold another human being. I wanted to be wrapped up inside of someone. But alas, Both Genevieve and Bit were there. Bit is awkward. I was sadly not in an environment in which I felt I was allowed to be vulnerable. I think I had the thought because, in such a place as shortbus, I would have felt that i could do and be anything. I would cry, it would be allowed. Shortbus was a kind of club. I am so dorky, being affected by movies like this. But then again, whats the point of experiencing something if you don't take something away from it. (I usually try to avoid empty entertainment, unless it is allowing me to bond with a person.) I feel like in a place like that, I could get whatever kind of attention I wanted, even lack there of. Have you seen it? see it. You'll think I'm weird. But since normal obviously isn't healthy, what else can one strive to be. The best I can do I try to make my ideas the norm. Or at least, the good ideas of them.

The next idea. I was lying in bed, Genevieve and Bit on the floor. Bit was sleeping and Genevieve watching him. I was all alone on the bed, and I had this epiphany of singularity. Again, I don't remember how I phrased it, only how it felt. It felt un-lonely. I felt ok with being alone, because I wasn't alone. But I was aware of myself and the world around me in an unusually perfect porportion. Usually, when I am falling asleep, things get trippy and out of proportion, I tune out the world and drift out of my strange mishapen body to escape loneliness, depression and the world. Do you know the feeling? Your feet will be huge, then your hand, then your head... it all depend of what your most aware of. But there I was, lying as one body, simultaneously aware of all of my body. So my feet were the exact sixe the should be, and my hands and my heart beat. I was aware of where my bed was, what the sheets felt like, what my skin felt like, the feel of the wiond, the sound of the wind. I was aware of the position and sound of every one else in the house, and the exact position of all the brrier between us. The door, the amount of air. I was aware of the sounds of cars rushing past, and birds in trees, and wind in trees. This is nice, I thought. This is how to exist as one being without being lonely: be aware of the world around you in relation to you. Soak up its energy, so to say.... I don't know how to say it. Revel in the peice of space that you inhabit, and nothing is oppressing you. You are strong and whole, and your body function while the rest of the earth functions and moves. YOu fit in perfectly with it. The bit of space welcomes you, and you become it. That sounds corny, but I am bad with words; I think in images.
It was nice. I quickly changed moods again, but if I make myself think like that, I have ambition. Obviously the trick is keeping it.
hair syrup curl

dreams.

My black eyes are worse but I think the swellings gone down.

I had a complex dream in which I just realized today that my english class wasn't through, I was supposed to read a book, I think called why the caged bird sings, and right a report, and I was supposed to learn lines for a play being preformed on Sunday.
There was a party at my house that I ignored, so My mom thought it was such a fun party that she forced me to go to one the next night that was not at our house. And for some reason there were photographs of her at a friends party that I wasn't at, like her putting mistletoe above an annoyed Janelle-like person.
Well after we left (and our house wasn't our house but a nicer house with a yard and trees and a back porch), the was this attractive, I suppose servant, boy who closed the gate behind us. Apparently that was his job. But I could tell he liked me by the way he went out of his way to be nice to me. I winked at him as I was walking off into the dark moonlight night. No street lamps, but a huge old tree he was standing near, he only about an inch long silhouetted figure form my perspective. It was a secret wink, as I walked off arm in arm.
I went to the party and I was totally out of place and frustrated because I had the learn lines for this play. There was a whole part of my dream devoted to learning these lines. My character was a gruff and buff sailor man, so I had to focus on the attitude and voice as well as the lines. Hard. It went like this: I walked past another sailor guy, who was with a fiddle in front of a music stand I guess, and I asked him what he was up to, he said fiddle, and I said I liked fiddle but I also liked Viola, viola A and B. I think B was normal, and A was somehow in between violin and viola. We talked about it I think, and then I looked at his part, and was like, oh, well that melody line is easy, see? and then was supposed to nonchalantly sing it perfectly in tune. The thing was, the music was written into the script, but there was not a real staff, and really fucked up beat division marking, so I was one supposed to be able to read it, but since it didn't make since, I was just supposed to remember all the lengths and pitches. It should have been ok, like learning a song, but it was so hard. I also couldn't get my voice low enough or my acting right. It was upsetting. I am not meant to be an actor. (as opposed to actress?). And Yes, unusually, I can read in my dreams. Boo-ya! So the party, somehow there was a news article about how Emily went to a schools out party in a top hat and tail coat... and all of a sudden this was the party I was at for some reason. Dream logic. But the adults hadn't turned into the sophomores yet. I told them I needed to go outside to practice my lines. It was dark and woodsy out; the kind of setting that would be spooky was wasn't. It reminded me of Georgia. It was nice, and natural- I was accustomed to it. Actually I was going out side to find the boy. Instead I found his furry orange/pink/blue koosh-like hyper twin. Still attractive, though small and animal. Unfortunately too hyper for my tastes. But I didn't realize it wasn't him, I don't think, so I played flirtatiously, following it to the back porch where there was a either blue or orange couch. I think I was color blind. I think it was dark bluish-grey. Worn out color. Anyhow, when I was considering the fur-ball-boy, the boy-boy showed up. He probably explained the fur ball. I probably responded with an oh. It was a relative of some degree. I think boy was part animal himself. Hot. I started making out with him. It was very nice? No, I remember, he didn't know how to kiss. I kissed him and he didn't move. It was because he was raised as a servant. So I had t explain to him that he desired me. I said, do you like me? Oh course, he nodded. Do you find me desirable? Of course, he nodded. So then you must desire me. Which means you want me. 'pause' ... What do you want to happen? He, of course didn't know. If you could imagine something happening here between us what would it be? I received a shrug. Ok, so we've come to the fact that you want me, agreed? Yes. So, to want me means you want to have me, make sense? Yes. So what would having me look like? Confusion on his part. Ok, so in order to have something, at some point or another, you have to take it, right? Even if its a gift, you still have to take it, right? I think hes starting to get it. So what would it look like to take me?
This boy was apparently a dictionary. so when we were making out, if someone looked over, I could open him up and pretend to be reading a dictionary. And at one point Aiyana looked out the window, saw me, and then came out to see why I wasn't at the party, and reading a dictionary instead. But I think that was before I was trying to logic him into having more aggression than a piece of furniture. At one point, I believe I was trying to show through example, and was manually moving his lips to the correct places, in a way that made sense and wasn't awkward in my dream. I wasn't really like me in my dream, was I? You couldn't say. I guess I was. But my face was normal in my dream, not all puffy. Though I guess the surgery had happened because I was really happy to be eating solidish foods. Kate had made me muffins, and I was eating a lot of yummy gingerbread and cake.

I remember more details but I am tired, Its midnight-thirty

There was also a dream, was it part of the same dream? where I was part of a youth bicycle postal delivery organization. That was a really interesting, almost eery dream. But I'm tired, I might write about that tomorrow if I remember. It was detailed and neat.
redeye

lonely

I'm lonely. I'm tired but I don't want to sleep alone. Does anyone want to take a nap with me? Ha. Yeah right, at 11:23 at night. I didn't leave the house today, no one came over, and I didn't do anything. I didn't even read a book... what did I DO with my day? I think I might have stared into space a lot. And I probably was on the internet at some point. I wasn't sleeping for most of it. I should be doing something. I watched 'village of the damned' against my will. I got into it, I usually do. mah, movies. Geneveive might come over tomarrow with a movie. Mah, movies... I am getting unhappy.
I am dissapointed in someone, he ought to know If he's listened to his voice messages.
hair syrup curl

Maybe I should be cousin It.

I am not going to talk about my swollen face. I've talked enough about that. Sigh. I have black eyes now. Well, I feel pretty good besides that. I'm kind of tired, and I really want a massage, actually.
sam Nolting came over yesterday. That was really nice. I'm sorry my sentances are boring, I am just trying to guess via mucsle memory where every letter is, because I am used to doing advanced search and peck. I'm surprised I am doing this well. I have ice packs on my face and can't look at the key board. I have to erase often. This is ineffective, I'll write later.
hair syrup curl

mrrr, my face hurts.

Its all big and puffy and firm, like I was attacked by botox. I worry that I'm not doing everything right. What if the bone doesn't heal? that would suck so much. If I am not supposed to sneeze, is snorting from laughter ok? Hell if I know. I'm young, I guess I'll be fine. I don't like that I am trusting my mom to keep track of my pills. I feel like she wont do it right. Shes asleep right now, and I don't know when I took my last pills.
Oh, well I'm not in a lot of pain, I am just uncomfortable.
Yesterday, I had a revelation that I forgot to write down or talk about, and I don't remember how I came to it, but I decided that pain is preferable to discomfort.

On another topic, my friends are lovely wonderful people. Freya called me at 11:30 this morning, so as to get me before I got bored. She came over a bit later. Then a little after that, Valliant came over. They both kept me company till around 6:30, at which point they tucked me into bed. The sweethearts, I love them.
An hour or so later, Laura Gorrin called... I groggily mumbled at her.
I woke up around 8, 8:30, and called laura. She said Her, and Harris Lappy, and Alex Quilter would come over and bring a movie (assuming I wanted, of course). The sweethearts. Well they did. They brought over the first half of Angels in America, and what a strange movie it was. All about crazy people and interwoven live, and hallucinations. They just left, at like 12:43? Oh, the lovelies, I love my friends, they are awesome. My leg was hurting, and my face was hurting, and even my back was hurting during the movie, but it didn't matter. I snuggled up to Harris and took note, mostly mentally of camera angels/angles and tried to not get confused.

I had people sign my leg. Freya wrote get well soo, Valliant write best wishes (after much deliberation), harris drew a cute orange explosion with a smile and legs, and Laura drew an orange... heart with a tail? or a weird pointy worm with one big eye, a tail, and little feel and I smile? I don't know, but I like it.

My sister snored through most of the movie while I poked her with my cane, but after my friends left she gave me loves and made sure i had everything I needed. I feel very loved today... but I'm thinking I should be resting more than I am. I'm not that happy, because my adorable puffy face is sore, but I'm doing fairly non the less.

Love Love Love.

Oh, I need to remember some of the other revelations I had yesterday. I don't remember my dreams, and I'm having a hgard time typing. Its ssooooo hard, god. Myabe its the drugs? I'm tired of fixing the typos though, thy are interestingly indicative. Am I bleeding still?
I've confused my self. I think I was going to note that apparently I left a very long drugged message on Freya voice mail yesterday that she passed around at dance and they laughed at it. I love my people. I am glad to be finally loved.
hair syrup curl

surgery/me update... for the hell of it.

I'm a little less happy this morning, for whatever reason. The bottom half of my face is swollen. I look adorable, cartoonish, childish, or monkeyish because of it. But I still feel like I am suffering from botox. My leg is swollen still, of course, and a little achy. I think I was using my cane as an excuse to be on it too much. I slept on my too short couch, in order to elevate my leg, and keep my head up, so I wouldn't choke on gauze or blood. The gauze was soaked through with blood, unforchutly. I was hoping to stop bleeding. I was mostly lying up because I was worried about choking one of my sporatic nose bleeds. I might not be bleeding in my mouth right now. My blood tastes aweful, bitter, kind of basic. Is blood basic? It tasted more basic than usual somehow. Doesn't it usually taste salty? I'd prefer that to bitter. Why is my skin swollen? my cheeks, around my sinuses? They weren't cut into... did they absorb blood? Did they receive a hormonal message from the nearby wound in the jaw telling it to swell in order to cushion it?

My leg doesn't really hurt, though the vicadin I took has long since wore off. I was kinda wondering if it was bleeding under its bandage, but I guess not. Its a good sighn that it doesn't hurt, means I havent broken it or any thing. But I think I should probably actaully lie down in my own bed (for the first time since I've come home.)

I can talk now, unless I start bleeding again, so your allowed to call or visit of whatever If you want, though so far, I'm ok on my own.
  • Current Mood
    aggravated mamama, I am a fish with botox
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hair syrup curl

God I feel awful

I look like a cute little chipmunk with a winters supply of gauze. I keep drooling blood, I'm not quite sure yet how to deal with all this, but if I swallow too much blood I throw up... as I found out on my way back from the hospital. I don't remember how to fit the gauze in right. Which I'm sure isn't helpful. A second ago and now, I feel exhausted from blood loss. I between I felt naseous. I would love to just sleep and forget about it all, but I can't until the bleeding stops. I mean, they said I could take a nap if my mom was watching the whole time, but I don't expect her to. Which is why I am sitting here typing trying to kill time until it stops.

I wish I were still at the hospital and the nurses could take care of me. My mouth tastes aweful, and I haven't really eaten or drank since 11pm yesterday.

EDIT: Apparently I throw up anyways. Damnit.
My mom just left. She said, Don't lie down. Fuck.


On the bright side, my leg feels fine, so far.