dreams are entertaining which makes it hard to wake up. Mine last night was particularly interesting, involved, and vivid. Also I was comfortable, and tired.
But when it was light out, later than I meant to sleep by a couple hours, thats when I realized that I was sleeping alone. Looking around and feeling the absence of person next to me made it a lot easier to wake up. I hadn't realized, but each time I sleepily chose to continue to snuggle the covers and continue my dream, I had felt an imagined presence next to me. I think, because I've been un-used to sleeping alone.
I was going to make an entry. But is tired. I saw squirrel road kill today and it smelt like beef jerky. I was accosted with a swarm of highschoolers who miss me. I like my new therapist. I still like biking. I saw a pretty bike today when buying a new bike lock. I saw Jeff today. I'll miss Jeff. :( I made and ate Ramen soup. I went to visit Loren and kelly and kelly gave me home-made soup. I enjoy their company. She gave me a cookie and it took me 6 cups of milk and at least a centemeter of zits comics to get through it. That is talent. I talked to the manager of Peets today, and also Ann who I will work for. I don't remember my entry content but my life remains interesting. I saw Yoshi yesterday, which was a bit of a releif from having a person stuck on my mind constantly. Having Yoshi on my mind for a while .... It was like my brain was clogged. Like the tubes, thinking of other things unclogged it a little. Thank you alaska.
I am really tired. Hi sleep!
Also, I got SOOOO much sleep! I meant to call a friend of mine who had wanted to hang out, because on tuesday I had told him thursday, but I had actually meant wednesday. But then I decided to take a name at like 6:30 or 7:30? And now it is morning, but it feels like i should be evening after a nap cause I got so much sleep, and because I didn't use my evening. It is disorienting.
Ok, so I dreamed I got stuck in some english-speaking country in europe, I forgot the name of it. It was pretty I guess. I was trying to find a pay phone. I found it, but I didn't know who to call, so I called the operator. I was both alone and with three or for peer-aged people who I didn't know.
Oh, I was in Barcelona! I remember!
I called the operator, cause it was an old fashioned phone, by dialing 0, and some young guy came on the line.
"May I help you?" He asked.
"Uh... yeah..." Then I don't remember what I said, but it resulted in his telling me,
"There aren't any flights back to America, or anywhere really, right now." I think I was remembering the lock down at the school yesterday, and was like, "huh, maybe thats why."
And then, the people I didn't actually know were talking to me for some reason about something, so I couldn't concentrate on the operator, so I said good bye, even though I really wanted to interogate him about the whole being stuck here thing.
Perhaps what people were talking about were the scary things in the sky, because then there were scary things in the sky.
I don't know what they initially looked like, because after a while of my hiding in the tallish grass watching these things look like they were about to crash into me, I realized that they were commercial airplanes, and they were being sucked obcenely out of the sky, bely first some of them. I turned around after a bit more of hoping they wouldn't hit me, and saw they were all being sucked into this huge vortex thing.
I'll finish this later I hope- I have to go to class.
I've been so tired ago. Only a minute ago did I convince myself to sit down to compose. I knew that I would be content with composing once I had immersed myself in it, but the idea seemed so overwhelming. I only wanted to take a nap.
After my shower i took a nap until nearly 6. A 2 hour nap? Ok. I don't remember what I've done since then. I should start concept map journalling like I used to.
I am in a pretty good mood, and don't have to get up early, and it is is a three day weekend. The concert was amazing- everyone was pretty awesome. More on that later, my eyes are tired.
I didn't finish my final. I'll work on it more tomorrow (cause I can!). Maybe I'll see Rosie, I don't know yet. I have to talk to Faye.
I really fucked up my sleeping last night, because I tried to get up at 4, and then got nothing done, and then went back to sleep. I blame my good day on an energy drink.
Then my quartet and I had a really great rehearsal.
I hope lots of people come tomorrow.
I have to take a chapter four test, and a final, in calculus tomorrow.
I am so screwed, by the way. I'll be so sick of calculus by the time I'm done. At least I'll have the concert to look forward to.
I get my best work done when I am procrastinating- perhaps I should adopt this as a strategy?
well, I sorta kinda half- caught up on sleep this morning. I reason I didn't waste anymore time than going to school this morning would have, but I shouldn't have done the sleeping, my time would have been better spent working.
However, I did. I should have really slept instead of forcing myself to wake up every ten minutes, then falling asleep again. I is tired.
I'm in an ok mood. I like this house.
I like Barbara, she is getting more used to me I think and is therefore more affectionate. I am glad.
Wish me luck.
Oh. Wow. i am depressed. i should obviously do something about. this. I am going to get up and do something about this.
I had intended that to be the whole of my entry, but writing feels so nice, and also sort of makes me feel like crying. I prefer the nearly choked up feeling to something. I'm not sure what exactly.
I had intended to sleep off everything last night. Get a really good nights sleep, feel great today. However, Paco intercepted me. I kept me half awake all night, which is the worst I think, because it means I didn't bother to throw him out of my room, and he prevented me from deep sleep.
I had a dream that I was, like, homeless or something. I was sleeping in a sleeping bag on the side walk. BUt not well, obviously, because Paco was interrupting me. I was also one of those crazy aunt types with a sleeper van and showed up at an ideal cottage which bore emotional resemblance to when Jacobs mm sheltered me. and a little windy cobblestone road, and I think I (who wasn't I) had cat eye glasses with rinestone and stole things from the house. Was it family. I don't think I actually stole anything,. but I was leaving for some reason. I can't recall exactly because my brain is sort of foggy, not empty, but tied up and gagged in away that my consiousness can't really find or communicate wit it.
I've had two weird dreams in the last to nights. If I can remember both of them I might.
I have sat compleatly still for the last couple hours, doing nothing silently at home. Interspersed with nothingness is listening to my brother singing the bum bum song, and looking it up on wikipedia, reading a book on chemical thermodynamics, and a book on "how to kill your girlfriends cat."
But mostly this time was consumed by sitting compleatly still, looking at something uninteresting, such as a wiffle ball. This was an activity I chose to replace sleeping. I could easily go to sleep (especially after reading "understanding chemical thermodynamics") But I am noty tired. Really.
I think there is something wrong. All I ever want to do is sleep. I have no ambition. I try.
Today I came home, thinking perhaps I would get myself to paint a picture. I talk about doing that alot and never really do. Its time consuming. And frustrating. But its something to do, that I can see the fruits of my labor. I thought, I'll skip class, go home, call someone who might not have class, have them come over... But what did I do? Not that.
I sleep in class. I sleep at lunch. I sleep when I get home. I sleep all night.
i mean not all the time.
But lately I have wanted to. It upsets me though, it reminds me of a drug. Its an escape. But i'm afraid I'm going to sleep my lifeaway. Things creep up on me, life, deadlines, shit. It just gets to me faster when I sleep. But its so hard to resist. I dream. And its effortless. I don't have any commitment, no one can bother me, I dont have to worry about wasting time or hold up a book or have hip pain from sitting funny. Its comforting and easy. I just lie down, close my eyes, and let my mind wander. Let my undiscovered tears cradle me to sleep like a child. I want silence, relaxation, simplicity. So I sleep. Bacause I cant find that.
And then I tear myself apart because here is this perfectly wonderful time that I could accomplish so much in, and be truely happy, but I dont.
And because of that, I keep myself awake, doing nothing. Because I'm afraid that otherwise I will lose myself, and my memory will flutter away into dreamland. I do nothing. I'm almost afaid that it wont be worth it, and it, too, will be a waste of time. I want to do something, but I dont do it, because I have no motivation, and I want the comfort that sleep brings.
I exist in the dreamland lately. I want someone or something to fully engage my brain, and rescue me from bordom and unambition.
But It makes me want to cry to realize that I am tempted just to sleep, I perfer sleep to connection. I dont, but my body does. Like a drug. It needs it.