Tags: school

little girl bubbles

Not enough Rest

I am so exhausted. So so exhausted. Tuesday morning through thursday evening are scheduled to the brim, leaving me enough time to eat and crash. I might relax a little on thursday evening, and I try to always make some time to relax either Friday or saturday, but I spend the rest of the weekend doing homework and whatever else needs doing.

And now it is Sunday, the historical day of rest before the week beings again, and already I am so exhausted. How will I get thorough the week?
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memory: brandon

My brother used to call the stripes on his shirt muscles. He broke my favorite music box once after we spent the weekend at my mom's boyfriend's house (I think). It still works, but the dome no longer exists. It plays swan lake, and is cheap and Chinese. I was pretty unhappy. Not only cause it was broken but just in general. I'd listen to that damned box for hours and hours, especially at night, while crying. I used ot like to sleep on the hard floor instead on my bed, and I'd lie there with my "box" cause it was more like a snow globe, twisting it up again and again and again.

I remember, the same weekend he broke it, the room I was sleeping was empty, and had a painted teddy bear border on the ceiling, and I spent hours spacing out in there (I had nothing to do?) and I was lying on the floor with a knitted pink and white blanket I still have now, and my mom came in to sit next to, or lay next to me. I begged her to home school me. She said she would if she got married, but otherwise she had to work in the day. Though, when she did get married (to someone else) she didn't.

I remember living in this apartment complex for the summer, with my dad, but he was gone during the day, and all the kids in the neighborhood decided to battle, and we had sharpened sticks. Nothing came of it. (they called me freckle face. You can't take someone seriously when that is the only insult they have for you) I tryed to get my brother to go beat them up for me cause he was my big brother, but he didn't want to. I think he was maybe ten or twelve. This was when I had the fattest crush on his friend Acton. And a semi fat crush on his gay friend, and I could swear one of his other friends tired to hit on my foot. But that is a story for a different time.
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(no subject)

So. I really like the Movie legally blond, and this is why:

I like people. I am not annoied by Elle's ditzy behavior. Everyone acts some way for a reason. Her behavior, while potentially ingratiating, is more productive and healthy than some. For example- she is positive and optimistic. She isn't phazed by people not thinking well of her. When something doesn't go her way, she shakes it off with a smile. At one point in the story, a bitter law student, vivian, tells her about a "costume" party. When she comes to the door in her ridiculous playboy bunny outfit (with neon pink stockings) and sees that everyone there is dressed in their bland everyday college clothes (I think they made the clothes extra bland for contrast), she is halted, blinks, opens and closes her mouth a couple times, and then throws back on her friendly smile and walks in with an air of confidence. Peoples laughs aren't getting to her. I think that its harder for someone to be malicious to someone that friendly, smiley and confident. Sure, they might think the person is utterly ridiculous, but what are you going to do.

I respect that, I guess cause it reminds me of myself. I don't have a lot in common with Elle. She may be ridiculous, but, well, I would be more likeley to think of ways in which we are similar than you. I mean, is it actually less worth her time to be interested in fashion, skin and hair care and nails as it is for me to be interested in art, music, and being silly, or adventuring? Adventuring doesn't exactly accomplish more.

But that was not the direction I wanted to go. NO matter how much I try to find similarities between other people and myself, I wont nessesarily like a movie that way.

The movie makes me want to go to law school. I know better. My mom was a lawyer. Its not a party. I don't even nessesarily beleive in the legal system. But, it is a feel good movie. It makes me feel, and part of this is the fault of the music, like I can do anything. It makes me want to be studiing. I do, actually, want to take a law class right now. I do like it. NO law school, but I could find a class to sit in on next semester. Part of the fault of that is the plot. If a ditzy sorority girl can bring herself to have that much determination... and just be so happy! I am not consistantly happy. I wish I was. It would be nice to not second guess myself all the time, whether the reason of not second guessing be due to actual knowledge, or blinding myself to all other options, it would still be nice.

I know I don't like desisions. But, one of the only wise bits of advice my dad has ever given me went something like: you don't have to make the best ever desision. Just make a good one.
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Hello All!! I am well!!

I haven't posted in a while. Oops. Oh well. I am well. I am still glad that I decided to take a year off school. It is turning out better than I expected. Not as well as I had hoped, but I always hope for way more than likely. Don't like to set my goals to low, you know.


I love you all.

Also, I need me some fire dancing. I need to be more proactive about making that happen
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Another decision. I hate making decisions.

"The City of Berkeley YouthWorks Employment Program is currently recruiting candidates for a pre-Apprenticeship Training Program.

Description of Training

This is a 13-week training program, involving various trades used in the construction industry. The program includes training in: carpentry, cement work, hazardous materials, electrical, and more. The Pre-Apprenticeship Training Program is endorsed by the Alameda County Building Trades Council and has been created in collaboration with California Department of Transportation (Cal Trans)."

Its monday through friday, 7 until 3:30. A big time commitment. On the other hand, I am very interested in learning these things. And 13 weeks is only 3 months and a week roughly. Thats not THAT bad. Just, a big time commitment, cause I'd have to work evenings to pay rent and all that. 3 months of school essentially.

It is free though. I guess I could abandon it if I needed. I hate being incompetent at things. I have a usefulness fetish. make what you will out of that statement, it actually makes sense.
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I'll only get to see the love of my life once

before she goes off to massachusetts *cry*

I'm still doing the symphony thing, apparently the concerts are the 8th and 9th, not the first. Its still really hard and exhausting, and I need to see people before they go back to school. I have a growing list, off the top of my head: Laura G, Freya, Megan, Janelle, Chantal, Riva... who else is going to unreachable in a month or two? I fully intend of visiting Davis people so they don't even count.
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Oh Man. School.

I got an A in Calculus. Shit, man. That is fucking awesome. It doesn't matter at all as far as I know in affecting my future, but it makes me feel very validated.


Also, my group and I did a really great job at that city planning project, I think, even though we didn't win the theoretical project from the mock city council. Some group named Action Squad won. Which shows you appearance isn't as important as both presentation, and capitalism. They were all dressed in regular summer dresses, very unprofessional. I wore a tie and whatnot. Also the name? The main thing though was that they really realized that the city was their client and that the city wanted to be making the most money off the redevelopment as possible. Disgusting but true.

I think I talked too long, as I went first, but I am happy. They liked the attention we payed to the community, and also "green collar jobs." I also brought the little green thing in all loaded up with pictures and showed them examples of architecture. I also should have made more eye contact. But in the end it came down to the city wanting more return. I tried to explain that community services would give back to the community...

Oh man, I just had a great conversation about morals with the Berkeley independent studies tutor. He said its the sort of thing people in college describe as mental masturbation. We got talking about Buddhism, judgments, decisions, defining objects, then defining whether a raindrop was one or many, then defining blame in water torture, then defining torture, and blame in general, and then government and utilitarian, greater good sort of thinking, at which point I set utilitarianism on a set of axis of utilitarianism verses greatest good, on the y axis. The graph had a maximum. Then I redefined utilitarianism, defining the new perspective as the x axis, saying we were only seeing one plane, and that there was actually a general upwards trend.

The tutor said I wouldn't be able to get away with all that in college. Maybe if I took a class on rhetoric I could pull it off... I said there are two purposes to such a conversation: practicality and interest in making change and creating new Ideas, And just having fun. This is when he brought up mental masturbation. And it is, really.

I'm a little tired and dehydrated from the sun.
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I'm doomed

to not finish tonight what I really actually have to do.

And, For the first time this year, this is ACTUALLY a little bit of a problem.

Not really though. Because, it is school, and so, intrinsically, by its nature, it doesn't really matter. It is a closed system, mostly, excepting what leaks out to colleges. But I've done well enough that even that shouldn't matter.

I wish I hadn't been ineffectual at everything on saturday.