Tags: i'll tag this later

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Fix it man

When I want to do favors unasked, like someone's dishes, or mopping the floor or scrubbing the tub or spackleing and touching up a wall it's some mixture of wanting to be liked and appreciated, and purely wanting to take care of the items I'm fixing (for the sake of the item or for the sake of my wanting to use it).

I wonder what the percentage is of either. I wonder how much of my self worth I put into being helpful; having people want me around because I'm helpful. I wonder how comparable it is to others' self worth that is based on competency within jobs and careers.

I'm trying to not judge here, rather than just musing. It's not bad to be helpful. I enjoy it and others enjoy it, and I place a lot of value on bringing joy to myself and others. And to maximize that joy, it is useful to analyze my motivations; I'd like to make sure there is no self sabotaging or negativity nestled way back there. I suspect that there is; it'd be rather amazing otherwise. Even Buddhist monks have struggle with perspective on their own intrinsic worth sometimes.

Every person is equally worthy of life and happiness. Really. And most find that hard to believe for. Various understandable reasons. No matter how bad you think you or someone else is, the more any one person really believes this, the easier it is to believe. Murder doesn't make sense, verbal abuse doesn't make sense, etc, if you believe this.

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amazing night

ben pushed me some of the way to Kensington, but it was still a vigorous bike ride for me. The Huffy I'm borrowing is so so heavy. I feel so beautiful and healthy right now because of the ride. I am hoping my legs are sore tomorrow.

Ben is so amazing. He went on this ride and helped me up the hill, and ten treated me to Thai food afterwards.

we got to Myles house and I finished the hair cut that Sara started, and there was much fun had. I had cookies, fruit-tart, cheese/crakers, wine, and chocolate cake. We hung out with Mike Bloxam too, Myles' dad. He is pretty funny.

BIking back wasn't as scary as I thought. Biking down hill is scary in different way than biking up hill is on that bike. I only have a brake for the back wheel, you see. luckily I have good control. I got a scare a couple times going down hill on the way there.

Now I am well fed and sleepy. I was a good day, all of it!
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A check in with my thoughts when I am too tired to extraapolate.

I like paying attention to myself, my reactions to things, my emotions and thought processes.
I like paying attention to the above in humanity.
Ilike paying attetion.
I like thinking and talking and brainstorming about how to interact with people and how to change things and current events and different mindsets especially.

I am happy to see Geneveive Jasper, who is here right now, and with whom I enjoy talking.
I am happy to see em and kevin.

I want to get to know Avery and Joey better.
Faire was fun. People are fun.
Some people don't understand people as well as they think/are cocky/don't get no-ish cues.

I don't quite know what to do with myself with a cleaner room. My life is so much simpler, because I am not feeling pressured to clean it.

There are too many causes in the world for me to not feel apathetic towards some of them at least a little.

I like feeling appreciated a whole lot. I also like attention. related are my obsessions with being competent and useful.
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(no subject)

I'm tired.

I was going to make an entry. But is tired. I saw squirrel road kill today and it smelt like beef jerky. I was accosted with a swarm of highschoolers who miss me. I like my new therapist. I still like biking. I saw a pretty bike today when buying a new bike lock. I saw Jeff today. I'll miss Jeff. :( I made and ate Ramen soup. I went to visit Loren and kelly and kelly gave me home-made soup. I enjoy their company. She gave me a cookie and it took me 6 cups of milk and at least a centemeter of zits comics to get through it. That is talent. I talked to the manager of Peets today, and also Ann who I will work for. I don't remember my entry content but my life remains interesting. I saw Yoshi yesterday, which was a bit of a releif from having a person stuck on my mind constantly. Having Yoshi on my mind for a while .... It was like my brain was clogged. Like the tubes, thinking of other things unclogged it a little. Thank you alaska.

I am really tired. Hi sleep!
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In related news, naked sewing.

In other more outdated several days ago related news...
Oh never mind, I'll keep it to myself for once. Imagine very very pretty things.
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I have not been writing much. Of course it is all relative. I spent much of today wri5ting comics, and that usuqlly makes me feel a little self- abusive and lonely. generally, crappy, and I shoud know better. I want to work on projects tat matter to me, now that I have the time. however, ideas don't pop up on command, and whenver I have an idea, I busy, or I forget. I'm lonely,but when I spend time with people, IO usually just ensure that I wont do ay thing of any import. ( just a second ago, I trippedon a protuding it of concrete, it is hard to ook where I walk while typing, but I'm trying. xo s are rather portble, this is an experiment. I'm on my way to meet kate, which is making me feel alot better.)

I just noticed my internal lust of engineering. And desighn, which is a part of enginering.

huh, I got disracted. met up with kate. I think I'll paint her.

more on engineering when I get around to it.
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thoughts of the last minite in reverse order.

My back is Hella Warm.
Shit thats warm.
My head is still bruised from a large stick that fell. On me. At night, in my bed.
I need to write an essay. Do I? Yes.
I have not even been keeping up with my concept map diary. Hella shit happens all the time. Its great. My life isn't boring. But then I forget it all, like it wasn't ever there. Like T.V. or something. Does this just mean that I am not paying attention?
Oh man, no one is home.

And, finally, the reason I was going to write. I biked by some guys lighting candles on the corner, of the sidewalk where this other guy was shot and murdered sometime around a week ago. I wanted to say something, but I didn't know what. I think I wanted to stop by with a flower and just leave it there. But they don't know me, and context shifts are awkward and probably harder to deal with when grieving.

I dunno. There are hard things in the world, just, existing. I wish they weren't, but I appeciate knowing they are there. Id rather be aware than to not know.

but since I don't know the guy, I will move on.

I was going to talk about stuff, but I got distracted. I called a telemarketer, and left a message on their voice mail informing them of national pidgeon appreciation day.

Spread the love. Shit.
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Shameless advertising

Young Composers New Music Concert
First time ever world wide debut of several peices by several wonderful people.
Including, your's truely.

My piece is called An Oversized Musicbox.
It is on first, so you have to get here on time.

Tomorrow, 7:30 p.m. May 23!
Trinity chapel church
Dana and Durant, near telegraph

doors open at 6


Be there or be square!

(unless I don't like you, in which case you are probably already square. :) Better than being triangular I guess, if you are trying to roll any place.)
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Concord Biking And Funky Bus.

Oh Man, I just biked HELLA far! Emily and I biked to sleep train pavilion in concord (my 'brilliant' idea) to Funk B and da U-turns...
However, leaving at 5, we got there at 7:15ish and missed them. Biking in concord is quite ridiculous. I'm prtty sure the city planners hatebkes there. Also, it makes no sense. There are SOOOO many stores, but nothing to do.

Oh man, I had inciteful and interesting thing to say, but I've forgotten them, bexause it is nearly one, and I'm tired.

Oh, i remember one of the things.

One day is very short, and no matter what you do, you don't do very much in a day, and nothing really matters. And, that factis what allows you to have fun. We don't have much time, and there wont always be another day in which to get work done, or responsibilities taken care of, but there also just wont alway be another day, especially if you do the same thing every day 9Work or school or something), because you do the smae thing every day, going, I can work on a painting next week, go on that vacation next ear, and before you know it, you are fourty, have been at the same job 9-5 5 days a week for years, and have't been on an adventure ever, because before adulthood, parents are protective, and after adult hood, you are thrust out to be on your own, essentially alone, and are forced to gert a job to even have smoe miniscule hope of having health insurence, and even then you might not. And then you work and work, and meet some person at a party or bar, or online, and after a few months of dating, maybe a couple years if you are prudent, and you think you cn still sorta stand the person, you buy one of the box-off-the-shelf-of-the-grocery-store-cracker-jack-box-single-family-home house, in their little house lots, full of houses, with nothing to do, and have a kid, and then the process goes all over again.

Everyone is bored and has no idea what they are doing. I feel really sad for concordinans (haa, accordians!) We stopped in a bowling alley for water, and every one looked like the 80s, and this girl or about 5 was trying to get water from the water fountain, although she was too short, and her mom yelled at her, saying it was yucky water, and the water in her I-am-adverstising-coca-cola-paper-cup-wth-plastic-lid-and-straw was "better" water. It was likeley the same water. The little girl looked about to cry.