Tags: home

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It's been 4 years since I went to burning man

I went to Nowhere this past year. Maybe I'll go to burning man this year but I doubt it. I think I want more than 1 year between each burn. It's so decadent. Funny that, since it's living minimally in the desert. But it takes so much time especially with preparation. And recovery.

I just have a hard time with how much time has passed since I parked myself at Bob and Barb's house. The dactyl nest.
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Thoughts, purging

I went to a Lecture by Josh Viertel, president of Slow Food USA. That was great. It was inspiring and revamped my already serious interest in the topic. It was just what I needed. Especially since it gave me a lot of ideas of what I want to focus on this semester. Great.

I got in a lot of great conversations, with people from community partnerships at SLC, with Josh (the speaker), with the person who sat next to me, other people milling around, and finally this senior I had met in passing before, who is much cooler than I thought. We went to go get food at an Irish diner that I absolutely must go back to sometime, but its a little far to drive. Maybe bike? We were both hungry and Bates was closed by the time we finally wanted to wander out of there (which, if you know me, you would know was pretty much after everyone else had left. The best conversations are with the stragglers, cause those are usually the most passionate, dedicated, or involved).

OMG the Irish diner was delisious. I got corned beef hash, and potatoes with gravy. Perhaps not the most environmentally friendly, but it is community friendly, being a very local diner.

When Jake dropped me back off, we exchanged numbers and I went into Hill house, where my classmate opened the door for me and told me I looked absolutely beautiful today, which made me feel great. I gave him a hug. He said I always look beautiful, but especially today. I was just wearing a tanktop and my winter skirt I've worn every day this week. It might be because I looked happy.

Then I got to spend a little time with my housemate Michelle, while organizing my to do list.

I'm in an ok mood, but worn a little thin. I need to relax. I want a long bath but I need to clean my bathroom, and homework trumps that.

Saturday? Can I relax Saturday? Please?
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The world seems loneley today.

I'm sure the dreary weather isn't making it look more upbeat. I look at a mother sitting on the steps of a run down house, in a blue nurse outfit, or maybe some retail uniform, and I think, "she's been abandoned." It feels loneley and disconnected. Why should someone work their ass off all alone for not enough pay, 1)so their children can simply live, probably also abandoned by people other than her, and 2) for a bunch of crap and people who don't even know they are spoiled.

I want smaller towns, where I know all my neighbors.
I want something to do to make me happy. To simplify my life and to fullfill it at the same time.
I want people to create infrastructure that thinks ahead and works well.
I want people to reuse things that already exist, and to use their artistic capacity to create new out of old, not just new out of store bought.

I want 0 population growth not only on people, but on stuff. Like my water bottle says: "Make love, not landfill."

I felt abandoned today, as I was trying to do something with a few boxes of my stuff at my mother's house. I came accross this that I neither wanted to throw away, nor did I have anywhere to put it. BUt it wasn't just that...
Imagine with me. I picked up this crappy made in china music box with plastic and fabric flowers on it. It plays swan lake. I wanted to get rid of it. Cheap crap. I don't have room in my life. But I remember crying myself to sleep with that music box so many times, middle school, elementary school, even a couple times freshman year of highschool. And then it got left at my step father's when I moved. It used to be incased like a snow globe, the flowers inside, and I remember how upset I got when my brother dropped it and the glass (or plastic) globe shattered, leaving the fabric flowers so vulerable and exposed.

I picked up this red chennile (or something) teddy bear that I remember buying at dollar tree. In seventh and 8th grade I had a best friend who is very dear to me, and I got her a matching one, so we could think of each other. When I first moved out here and missed her, I'd cuddle the badly constructed animal.

Thing after useless thing brings back a slew of memories. and I say, well I could keep this one thing... but what would I do with it? Where would I keep it? Do I even want it?

Then there is sometimes the thought that if something is not in good enough shape and I rid myself of it, it will get tossed and become one with landfill.

Also, these little things spanning my lifetime make up a home. The consist of the familiarity that I otherwise do not have very much of. Trying to convince myself to do something with all of that accounts, I think, for why I am lonely and abandoned feeling today.

And now to do something to make myself happy.
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Emily and pretty windows.

I woke up from a long nap a little bit ago. Em and I were peacefully snuggled up on my bed.

It was so beautiful out. So beautiful and rainy. It still is. I love my colorful transluscent charming things. So peaceful.

I found em at the computer and picked her up, like she was either my bride or my child. "Where to?" I asked. "Sleep." She said nuzzling me. I set her down on my bed.

Yesterday, she awesomely stopped me from being stressed and self deprecating. With logic. And Love. Cause she is Awesome.
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there is a tree I can see from my window that looks like a tuber, kind of the same width for the whole legth of the tree, ending in a blunt roundish end, with little rootish looking branches sticking out.

Earlier today I saw a squirrel hanging up-side down from a tree branch, burrying its nuzzle into a ripe persimmon. It pulled its head out of the hole it had made, and its cute little face face covered in orange persimmon meat. It hopped down to another branch, wiped its face off strait onto the bark, and the scampered to places unknown presumably to anyone save the squirrel himself.

I Also saw an adorable pug dog with an adorable owner, and had the thought that we need more pronouns, not just for gender neutral or gender queer people, but because it is just silly having to guess an animals gender to make a comment, and even silly when their owner corrects other people on the gender of their pet.
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and how, if you blink at just the right tempo, the world is totally dark, if only for a moment?

Once again, I love biking home. After a bit, I realized that it actually isn't that cold out. the stars were out, and I could see orion's belt, and his sword. (its amazing how many people have tried to tell me that that belt is the big dipper. Its really not. Is the big dipper even in the sky right now?)

I love that when I glide into the diveway, cold, peaceful, absolutely silent, and stop to get out my keys, the bushes and the side of the house, and even the garage, blink an eery white light which I have come to associate with absolute silence. I open the door and hoist my bike up, it still under me, and now the kitchen blinks. Then the living room. Its really a strange quality of light, because, especially when it is blinking, it doesn't ACTUALLY illuminate anything. Thats why, after I parked my bike in its usual place in the living room, I started thinking about how much time the beat were taking, litterally thinking two notes, one for light, the other for dark, and would blink on ever higher note. It's pretty hard to stay on time, but I managed a few times, and even though I was blinking, the world was totally dark. The weirdest park was seeing the tail end of light as, like, nanosecond-esque flashes in you otherwise perception of darkness. also things emitting a theory of light, like when you see someone just get a good bye kisser, and their kisser is gone but they still have this just kissed sort of look on their face. It was like that.

Then I turned off my bike light, and took in a breath. "Ahhh, home." I like how, late at night, the house is totally quiet, but it stil seems so alive because of the way moonlight is sneaking down the stairs like a kid overhearing their parents' conversation. It doesn't quite make it all the way down the stairs. Then their is the moonlight out of that one window, and its like ben at my window at 2 or 3 am trying to get me to come one a bike ride. like, there is just no ignoring it. You'd say he'd come right through the window, bike and all, but it just feels like it. That analogy is only expected to make sense to me. You've never had ben at my window at 3 am waking you up, while you are me. probably not even if you aren't me.

Walking down the hallway toward my room, there is a soke detector with a little white "I'm working!" light that is like the sky light that never was.

The windows converging above my bed were like eery gothic cotton candy. Really.
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When I have the power to do so, when I am making a home in a place where I intend to put down my roots, deep, I will have a fig tree, and it will grow huge, and I will craft a bench and a little table, and a twoseater bench swing, and a hammock, and I will have a walnut tree, and next to it, I will grow spinach, and between the spinach and the walnut tree will be a bench, and a water fountain, and a little plate, chained to the bench, and a little nut cracker chained to the plate.

I'll also have a peach tree, a lemon tree, a plum tree, rasberry bushes, grape vines...

And I think I will have a really awesome tree house.

I need to go visit sebastopol.
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I have an ID now. A REAL one. good stuff. I am going to Santa Cruz tomorrow, driving to Burning man sunday, camping with foxy kokonaut. I am tired, was up late talking to a guy from fort awesome around the corner till, like 2 am.

NOra the cat is gorgeous and blinking up at my with pretty eyes, and emily is celloing upstairs.

I had a dream about singing and playing the harp and it was really really pretty. Like, gorgeous. I wish I remembered all the notes, I'd write it down. I think, in my dream, Yoshi was here, which added to the prettiness. I've been having a lot of gorgeous dreams lately, it is darn awesome. They are full of detail, like music, and visual prettiness, and taste (peach cobbler like my mom makes). They are happy dreams.
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(no subject)

I am distressed. Here is why: I was biking down the street, market street, when I saw the kid being screamed at, on his own porch. He stumbled out of the door, facing the door and this woman was leaning out screaming at him, and then she went inside and he was just standing there. I was watching him as I biked past and then I pulled over and watched him as he watched me. I crossed the street. We were still watching each other, and he looked so sad. He hadn't learned to harden his face yet so it was so vulnerable, and it was a familiar look that I remember wearing.

He watched me walk towards his porch. When I got within ear shot, I said, "are you ok?" No response, just sadness, looking at me. I waved. Hi there. I walked onto his porch. "Are you ok?" He said, "I don't think you are supposed to be on the porch." He was more trusting of my presence than I'd think. I felt sort of trusted anyways. He was so sad I almost felt like I could have gotten away with giving him a hug, but probably not cause he didn't know me. I could hear his mother or whoever (some one he trusts and loves I think) angrily screaming still and hitting someone. I told him the look on his face is familiar. I couldn't think of what to say to him. I wanted him to leave the place, but where would he go. I turned to go back down the stairs of his porch and I said, "take care of yourself, ok?" I shot him one last imploring look and then biked away heartbroken.

Until I was nearly home the address ran though my head, over and over again, and the image of that boy, and the look on the face. But mostly the address, like a mantra, like a song over and over and over, almost desperate inside of my head.

I was almost biking blindly, noticing the stop signs and peripherally the other cars but in a dream like way, cause they didn't have the same meaning the usually do. The stop signs were like kind red souls who wouldn't say a thing to me.

I kept imagining hugging the boy, bringing him with me maybe on the handle bars, raising him. I imagined, as I was walking in the door to my home, having him at my side and saying to emily and friends, this is so and so. Not explaining why. And then I'd make him cookies. But I wouldn't be a great mother at this point in my life unless I seriously changed the way I live.

I mean, what do you do? Call CPS? Foster care is not necessarily an improvement. He might resent it. Anyhow, there just aren't the facilities and the people to properly care for and love every child out there, and I hate it.

And then, after shoving him haphazardly though the system, he'll probably end up hard hearted and broken and in jail. . If you talk to the people on death row, that little boy is what their childhood looks like. And I was home in my happy beautiful loving home and it felt so unfair. I wanted that for him.

I think I'll be a foster parent when I am older.
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Concord Biking And Funky Bus.

Oh Man, I just biked HELLA far! Emily and I biked to sleep train pavilion in concord (my 'brilliant' idea) to Funk B and da U-turns...
However, leaving at 5, we got there at 7:15ish and missed them. Biking in concord is quite ridiculous. I'm prtty sure the city planners hatebkes there. Also, it makes no sense. There are SOOOO many stores, but nothing to do.

Oh man, I had inciteful and interesting thing to say, but I've forgotten them, bexause it is nearly one, and I'm tired.

Oh, i remember one of the things.

One day is very short, and no matter what you do, you don't do very much in a day, and nothing really matters. And, that factis what allows you to have fun. We don't have much time, and there wont always be another day in which to get work done, or responsibilities taken care of, but there also just wont alway be another day, especially if you do the same thing every day 9Work or school or something), because you do the smae thing every day, going, I can work on a painting next week, go on that vacation next ear, and before you know it, you are fourty, have been at the same job 9-5 5 days a week for years, and have't been on an adventure ever, because before adulthood, parents are protective, and after adult hood, you are thrust out to be on your own, essentially alone, and are forced to gert a job to even have smoe miniscule hope of having health insurence, and even then you might not. And then you work and work, and meet some person at a party or bar, or online, and after a few months of dating, maybe a couple years if you are prudent, and you think you cn still sorta stand the person, you buy one of the box-off-the-shelf-of-the-grocery-store-cracker-jack-box-single-family-home house, in their little house lots, full of houses, with nothing to do, and have a kid, and then the process goes all over again.

Everyone is bored and has no idea what they are doing. I feel really sad for concordinans (haa, accordians!) We stopped in a bowling alley for water, and every one looked like the 80s, and this girl or about 5 was trying to get water from the water fountain, although she was too short, and her mom yelled at her, saying it was yucky water, and the water in her I-am-adverstising-coca-cola-paper-cup-wth-plastic-lid-and-straw was "better" water. It was likeley the same water. The little girl looked about to cry.