And I am becoming who I want to be:
-I am better at managing a schedule and getting myself to do what I've intended for myself to do
-I have good personal hygiene. Also, I am no longer unreasonably attached to my hair.
-I've been getting work done, and well, without distress
-I feel independent and able to care for myself without a need for general undefined emotional support.
-I love my room. I have a ball hanging from ceiling that I bat at. Other people who come over also can't help but bat at it.
-Other people think I am super awesome
-I compose music, paint awesome picture in an actual and not theoretical sort of way, take good pictures, and dress very well.
-I am decent at cutting hair.
-I am practical and intensely resourceful
-most important is how I am becoming less shy, and more able to balance extroversion with getting work done. I have more confidence, because I am more competent. Competence and confidence feed into one another. I am feeling more like I could successfully be a public figure, like a mayor or someone do educational policy, and be good at it.
What I don't like: I am less rigidly frugal. I blame this on the school forcing me to spend more than I want to on food. And the past few years of my mother trying to not let me feel bad about spending money on things that I need. I think I will get better at this if I want to.
My interests... time to be narrowed, and specified, I believe. It may be time to reevaluate my goals and plans, according to a hypothesis I've developed based on the experience of the first couple weeks of college.
I've noticed that I have trouble focusing on writing and reading.
I've noticed that I miss:
I like the idea of having a store front where i run my life, maybe a house nearby or attached? No, just nearby. If it is attatched then I would want to be home. (I've noticed that I don't pay attention to others as readily when I am home, and am more likely to give my full attention to others when I am elsewhere, unless I have something pressing to do. At home there is always something that needs doing.)
In this store front I would sell really interesting and unique clothes. Some would be hand made, some merely altered, some only found. I would take orders for alterations. Perhaps I would have a sewing club bi monthly.
I would have a rock band, and I would sit in my store playing my viola da gamba writing songs, or else sewing. I would have a loved one with similar interests there helping me. I would have a tall ceiling so I could do silks.
Maybe I'll study painting next year. Maybe I'll actually try to become a tattoo artists. If I try hard enough I could make it happen. I think I have the talent for it.
If I do tattoos, perhaps I can run it out of my store front.
This, my people, is a recipe to be mediocre at several different things at once, in such away that unless I make up for it with an astoundingly creative way to combine all my interests, none of this will happen.
No one wants a mediocre tattoo artist. they wont care that I happen to also be a mediocre acrobat, musician, and seamstress, they just want a well done tattoo. Same to be said for anyone who wants to pay a seamstress or acrobat.
Unless I become a famous enough musician that people just want to buy my clothes because it is me, or I become talented enough that I can play music while in the air... wearing really interesting clothes......
I was thinking about the future and christmas.
Perhaps when i have kids, we wont exchange gifts so much as we will decorate each other and bake goodies and go on a nice walk or something pretty and fun, and then I'll give kids some... what... money? or something so I can get them something they want for something they want to do.
Little IOU notes so that they have to be like, mommy, I want I skate board, and I saved up enough notes for it. It'll introduce the concept of banking?
I forget how I came to the conclusion, but i like myself.
As long as we respect each other, recognize that everyone has something to bring to the table, and as long as we can communicate, especially to ask for help, and to be able both to say no, and to accept no as an answer, then we...
then we what? live our lives without having to gripe about the delineation of duties, I guess.
So. I really like the Movie legally blond, and this is why:
I like people. I am not annoied by Elle's ditzy behavior. Everyone acts some way for a reason. Her behavior, while potentially ingratiating, is more productive and healthy than some. For example- she is positive and optimistic. She isn't phazed by people not thinking well of her. When something doesn't go her way, she shakes it off with a smile. At one point in the story, a bitter law student, vivian, tells her about a "costume" party. When she comes to the door in her ridiculous playboy bunny outfit (with neon pink stockings) and sees that everyone there is dressed in their bland everyday college clothes (I think they made the clothes extra bland for contrast), she is halted, blinks, opens and closes her mouth a couple times, and then throws back on her friendly smile and walks in with an air of confidence. Peoples laughs aren't getting to her. I think that its harder for someone to be malicious to someone that friendly, smiley and confident. Sure, they might think the person is utterly ridiculous, but what are you going to do.
I respect that, I guess cause it reminds me of myself. I don't have a lot in common with Elle. She may be ridiculous, but, well, I would be more likeley to think of ways in which we are similar than you. I mean, is it actually less worth her time to be interested in fashion, skin and hair care and nails as it is for me to be interested in art, music, and being silly, or adventuring? Adventuring doesn't exactly accomplish more.
But that was not the direction I wanted to go. NO matter how much I try to find similarities between other people and myself, I wont nessesarily like a movie that way.
The movie makes me want to go to law school. I know better. My mom was a lawyer. Its not a party. I don't even nessesarily beleive in the legal system. But, it is a feel good movie. It makes me feel, and part of this is the fault of the music, like I can do anything. It makes me want to be studiing. I do, actually, want to take a law class right now. I do like it. NO law school, but I could find a class to sit in on next semester. Part of the fault of that is the plot. If a ditzy sorority girl can bring herself to have that much determination... and just be so happy! I am not consistantly happy. I wish I was. It would be nice to not second guess myself all the time, whether the reason of not second guessing be due to actual knowledge, or blinding myself to all other options, it would still be nice.
I know I don't like desisions. But, one of the only wise bits of advice my dad has ever given me went something like: you don't have to make the best ever desision. Just make a good one.
When I have the power to do so, when I am making a home in a place where I intend to put down my roots, deep, I will have a fig tree, and it will grow huge, and I will craft a bench and a little table, and a twoseater bench swing, and a hammock, and I will have a walnut tree, and next to it, I will grow spinach, and between the spinach and the walnut tree will be a bench, and a water fountain, and a little plate, chained to the bench, and a little nut cracker chained to the plate.
I'll also have a peach tree, a lemon tree, a plum tree, rasberry bushes, grape vines...
And I think I will have a really awesome tree house.
I need to go visit sebastopol.
I got an A in Calculus. Shit, man. That is fucking awesome. It doesn't matter at all as far as I know in affecting my future, but it makes me feel very validated.
Also, my group and I did a really great job at that city planning project, I think, even though we didn't win the theoretical project from the mock city council. Some group named Action Squad won. Which shows you appearance isn't as important as both presentation, and capitalism. They were all dressed in regular summer dresses, very unprofessional. I wore a tie and whatnot. Also the name? The main thing though was that they really realized that the city was their client and that the city wanted to be making the most money off the redevelopment as possible. Disgusting but true.
I think I talked too long, as I went first, but I am happy. They liked the attention we payed to the community, and also "green collar jobs." I also brought the little green thing in all loaded up with pictures and showed them examples of architecture. I also should have made more eye contact. But in the end it came down to the city wanting more return. I tried to explain that community services would give back to the community...
Oh man, I just had a great conversation about morals with the Berkeley independent studies tutor. He said its the sort of thing people in college describe as mental masturbation. We got talking about Buddhism, judgments, decisions, defining objects, then defining whether a raindrop was one or many, then defining blame in water torture, then defining torture, and blame in general, and then government and utilitarian, greater good sort of thinking, at which point I set utilitarianism on a set of axis of utilitarianism verses greatest good, on the y axis. The graph had a maximum. Then I redefined utilitarianism, defining the new perspective as the x axis, saying we were only seeing one plane, and that there was actually a general upwards trend.
The tutor said I wouldn't be able to get away with all that in college. Maybe if I took a class on rhetoric I could pull it off... I said there are two purposes to such a conversation: practicality and interest in making change and creating new Ideas, And just having fun. This is when he brought up mental masturbation. And it is, really.
I'm a little tired and dehydrated from the sun.
I feel really good about encouraging myself to do things, without outside structure.
Sure it is a huge hurdle, but I think it will be very very good for me. :D
I'm really happy right now.
Did I not post this earlier? huh.
I can't make a decision whether to take a year off or just give in and go to school next year with no break.
I really have so much I should be doing instead of sitting here deliberating.
Also, I think in an ideal world that didn't have problems, I might animate things on the computer.
A world, even a perfect one, would need upkeep to not get problems... I will never be a computer animator. I will make beautiful things a different way.