Tags: connection

hair syrup curl

I am so happy

I am better now, I am happy. Cool air blows accross the hardwood floor, and my clean bare feet pick up the dirt and dust as I scamper up stairs smiling to myself- I am not tired.

Liquid floral emotions are leaking quickley from her cello, so many colors and tones, and it is made more intense by the large metal mute she was using to not wake me or Kevin.

I'm downstairs now, and I can still hear her. It is so beautiful.

Instead of napping, I read a story about a rabbi and his cat. This rabbi follows all the rules strictly, and has a lot of issue when his daughter marries a french man, and questions god, and all sorts of things happen, but on the last page the rabbi has returned home to algeria, and instead of a sermon, he tells his congregation of men that he doesn't see why they had to follow the torah if one could be quite happy without doing so. I really liked this, I can't explain why in a way to make anyone care. But the story refreshed my energy and happiness. Perhaps there was a message to not worry so much.

I've been thinking of life in terms of GO. I think of a situation in terms of making life. Visually, in the air in front of me, I see the placement of stones- two eyes. Thats all there is, two eyes. Perhaps it can expand from there, maybe not.

I can't explain why I make the connection. Perhaps it is that I am not sure there is every a purpose to anything; everything is in flux and stability seems so arbitrary.

Its about free will, perhaps. Everyone is just doing SOMETHING, because without that they'd be doing nothing. But why, and what? And then there is this need to survive that we have to take care of. We have to get a job, shelter, food. It hurts my brain- when I look at the picture it makes, it is so empty. So many peoples lives feel so empty to me. Run from job to job and raise a child, or sit on the street day after day to get some change, buy a burrito, and a 40, find a spot to lay down at night.

What bothers me is perhaps the lack of connection, like I could just leave at anytime, that anyone could.

What keeps coming up in my thoughts is a question, the age old question, what is the meaning of life. It feels so pointless. There are many things worth living for: Joy, Math, People, Investigating curiosities, the rest of the world and the people in my neighborhood. But what does that worth mean? What scale is that worth measured on?

So I keep going back to thinking of GO, in some incomprehensible way. I really don't know why.

Things I saw today, in reverse order:
A guy successfully picking up a girl, a short conversation: number first, then name, and the spelling of, and then a discussion of maybe meeting up tomorrow. Weird.
A christmas light plastic statue of a reindeer and sled sitting on a roof. The reindeer was laying on its side.
I met a bus driver who loves his job, absolutely and totally. He used to run a small buisness, and then worked for a company but was layed off when the dot com thing crashed? Apparently. The he went to work as a bus driver and absolutley loves it. We had a nice long conversation about doing the things one loves. He was hard to understand, but that was ok.
hair syrup curl

Time time time, see what's become of me?

HI.

I just got back from a school board meeting. It was a pretty exciting meeting, especially on SB meeting standards, but on everyday whatever standards as well.

Right now I feel efficient, motivated, exhilarated, content, excited for life and my future, full of sufficient spirit and hope... positive adjectives of functionality.

I might attribute this to feeling a part of the legislative process, and of school- the establishment, and my district. Education is something I care deeply about, and I also care deeply about being involved, building community, making student's lives better, and vicariously making everyone's lives better, in the whole world as a system of many inter-influential communities.

I feel as though I spoke fairly well, and concisely considering I had only 3 minutes, and many of my cohort of Independent studies Teachers, Students, and Parents also spoke very well and presented good points.

For the most part, I think we realized that the school board is our ally, against the budget cuts being imposed by a mindset that approaches taxes like an end-all worse thing. It makes no sense, but we all know that.

We went to address the proposed reduction in I.S's program coordinators hours, in addition to a 20% increase on her work load. Evelyn Bradley is amazing, truly. She works all the time trying her hardest. That program of nearly 200 students is run by two people alone. ALONE. Evelyn writes the college recommendations, lends an ear when people are sad, having trouble at home etc, knows every ones name, is a go-getter who never gives up and always has a smile on her face, though she has to put up with so much complication. I could go on, but you get the idea. It also might would sink the already under funded, neglected, yet nonetheless, integral, inspirational, and whatever that word I was going to use... program.

I am also going to Protest My governor's budget tomorrow, bright and early, and my brother is coming with, for which I am quite joyed. I biked all the way to his work tonight to talk to him about it, and got a coffee and a sandwich (free) and went over what I would say at the meeting earlier tonight, and I finally got everything worked out for tomorrow after the meeting.

As I was biking home, and feeling great, and intelligent, and well-respected and optimistic etc, and I realized that I really like being out and about alone after dark, between like 7 and 12, getting things done. Not inside necessarily, or at a scheduled event, but at a table, or in a park, or biking, or at a meeting.

During the day I prefer to be at home, or in the library, or somewhere new, either with people I don't know, or with a community, or interested people doing work, or around no one at all.

I don't like to day in and day out be around people who are stuck in a system, and hate it, and may not even realize what is out there, and where they have let their reality fall, in such a way that all these people (students in classes of thirty, teachers with no time), are slowly killing themselves, becoming zombies, becoming uninteresting, and becoming people (I don't remember where I was going with this sentence) ... Who are uninspired, detrimental, lackluster, depressing, There are so many ways to finish that sentence.

Oh, I was going to say that when I am around such people I would much rather be sleeping.

I was thinking that wanting to be alone- out at night, home during day, was because I don't like people, but thats not the case, so I am glad that that is resolved.

Oh- I also played Hacky-sack today, and was dressed in amazing stripy-ness. And, discovered that while I am very good at publishing processi, and programs, in the case of a year book, it is mind-numbing, and demanding of my creativity which does not stem from a numb mind, and I did that from 1pm until nearly 6, came home for a minute, showered, and left again.
hair syrup curl

Cuddle, listen to you're thoughts, speak them, listen to my heart beat, and love me.

My leg hurts. Its lonely here. I hate complaining, but I started out in such a good mood, and was fine being alone, and got lots of visitors and felt loved. And it steadily got worse i guess. I was spoiled to early on, and then left alone too much. Might have been better to have the specialness spread out. Ah well I hate complaining. I opened to this page to try to remember and record a couple epiphanies I had today. They were short and perfect. Said simply and awesomely in their succinctness, which I don't remember.
But I'll start out with a side note, which is that my sister loves and cares about me. Sometimes its hard to stomach her shallow bubbly attitude, but she is loving. I'm her baby, her little sis. Right now she is making dinner. Trying to figure out what I'd like to eat. "I'm the mack and cheese boss." She just said. She tries to make me happy. She does it in the most ineffective way: through giving me things, but the will is there and I appreciate it. She brings me random gifts, like a frozen coffee drink from her work today. But I rarely have emotional interaction with her, I guess partly because I am unwilling to trust her. But then she talks about mundane things, and tries, to dress herself up to seduce people, god only knows why, and then suggests watching T.V. It makes me sad.

So to thoughts from the day. I watched Shortbus today. Its a movie. And after it I had a thought: Compassion. That sounds so corny, but compassion is what is necessary. In my opinion, the movie wasn't about sex, though there was so much of it, but it was about the importance of compassion, I guess, and how fake things can be. It can seem like you've got your life together: A good job, a husband, etc. But its not so tangible. It can be held together with strings woven of weak beliefs... That sounds corny. My point was that people don't really interact, and don't really exist without compassion (I can explain existence if need be, but I'd rather you just take it for granted for now). People can't truly feel compassion for one another without being open and vulnerable. So, Ok, entertainment, sex and all that is nice, but whats it worth if people don't take time out from it to experience each other and connect. Vulnerability is like taking off your clothes, and allowing someone to penetrate you. That analogy doesn't work so well when connected to the connotations behind sex. But compassion can be one of the most important gestures one has to you. Often, I think, opening up to someone spontaneously, allowing them your trust, and their responding with a well placed pet, or some kind of physical contact, or gesture of interaction is more fulfilling than a full bodied hug, a kiss, any amount of passion or sex. Because you know the person is interested in you. The person is connected to you. Your mind is much more tangible than your body. (the only thing you can prove exists is your own mind. Anything else might be a figment of it.) So, what I'm saying, is that with compassion, its not necessary for someone to hold you tight and not let go. With compassion you exist as yourself? That makes no sense.
I'll move on to my next thought, because my guess is that I don't have the scientific evidence to prove the above thought. I myself am left alone. I mean, I think its right. But after having that revelation clearly stated in a simple sentence in my head, I was very sad and wanted to hold another human being. I wanted to be wrapped up inside of someone. But alas, Both Genevieve and Bit were there. Bit is awkward. I was sadly not in an environment in which I felt I was allowed to be vulnerable. I think I had the thought because, in such a place as shortbus, I would have felt that i could do and be anything. I would cry, it would be allowed. Shortbus was a kind of club. I am so dorky, being affected by movies like this. But then again, whats the point of experiencing something if you don't take something away from it. (I usually try to avoid empty entertainment, unless it is allowing me to bond with a person.) I feel like in a place like that, I could get whatever kind of attention I wanted, even lack there of. Have you seen it? see it. You'll think I'm weird. But since normal obviously isn't healthy, what else can one strive to be. The best I can do I try to make my ideas the norm. Or at least, the good ideas of them.

The next idea. I was lying in bed, Genevieve and Bit on the floor. Bit was sleeping and Genevieve watching him. I was all alone on the bed, and I had this epiphany of singularity. Again, I don't remember how I phrased it, only how it felt. It felt un-lonely. I felt ok with being alone, because I wasn't alone. But I was aware of myself and the world around me in an unusually perfect porportion. Usually, when I am falling asleep, things get trippy and out of proportion, I tune out the world and drift out of my strange mishapen body to escape loneliness, depression and the world. Do you know the feeling? Your feet will be huge, then your hand, then your head... it all depend of what your most aware of. But there I was, lying as one body, simultaneously aware of all of my body. So my feet were the exact sixe the should be, and my hands and my heart beat. I was aware of where my bed was, what the sheets felt like, what my skin felt like, the feel of the wiond, the sound of the wind. I was aware of the position and sound of every one else in the house, and the exact position of all the brrier between us. The door, the amount of air. I was aware of the sounds of cars rushing past, and birds in trees, and wind in trees. This is nice, I thought. This is how to exist as one being without being lonely: be aware of the world around you in relation to you. Soak up its energy, so to say.... I don't know how to say it. Revel in the peice of space that you inhabit, and nothing is oppressing you. You are strong and whole, and your body function while the rest of the earth functions and moves. YOu fit in perfectly with it. The bit of space welcomes you, and you become it. That sounds corny, but I am bad with words; I think in images.
It was nice. I quickly changed moods again, but if I make myself think like that, I have ambition. Obviously the trick is keeping it.
hair syrup curl

(no subject)

I have sat compleatly still for the last couple hours, doing nothing silently at home. Interspersed with nothingness is listening to my brother singing the bum bum song, and looking it up on wikipedia, reading a book on chemical thermodynamics, and a book on  "how to kill your girlfriends cat."
But mostly this time was consumed by sitting compleatly still, looking at something uninteresting, such as a wiffle ball. This was an activity I chose to replace sleeping. I could easily go to sleep (especially after reading "understanding chemical thermodynamics") But I am noty tired. Really. 
I think there is something wrong. All I ever want to do is sleep. I have no ambition. I try.
Today I came home, thinking perhaps I would get myself to paint a picture. I talk about doing that alot and never really do. Its time consuming. And frustrating. But its something to do, that I can see the fruits of my labor. I thought, I'll skip class, go home, call someone who might not have class, have them come over... But what did I do? Not that.

I sleep in class. I sleep at lunch. I sleep when I get home. I sleep all night.
i mean not all the time.
But lately I have wanted to. It upsets me though, it reminds me of a drug. Its an escape. But i'm afraid I'm going to sleep my lifeaway. Things creep up on me, life, deadlines, shit. It just gets to me faster when I sleep. But its so hard to resist. I dream. And its effortless. I don't have any commitment, no one can bother me, I dont have to worry about wasting time or hold up a book or have hip pain from sitting funny. Its comforting and easy. I just lie down, close my eyes, and let my mind wander. Let my undiscovered tears cradle me to sleep like a child. I want silence, relaxation, simplicity. So I sleep. Bacause I cant find that.
And then I tear myself apart because here is this perfectly wonderful time that I could accomplish so much in, and be truely happy, but I dont.
And because of that, I keep myself awake, doing nothing. Because I'm afraid that otherwise I will lose myself, and my memory will flutter away into dreamland. I do nothing. I'm almost afaid that it wont be worth it, and it, too, will be a waste of time. I want to do something, but I dont do it, because I have no motivation, and I want the comfort that sleep brings.
I exist in the dreamland lately. I want someone or something to fully engage my brain, and rescue me from bordom and unambition.
But It makes me want to cry to realize that I am tempted just to sleep, I perfer sleep to connection. I dont, but my body does. Like a drug. It needs it.
hair syrup curl

Alone as a verb.

I like to be alone when I have nothing to say. Then I am self sufficient. I am only myself. It is a good thing, to be silent.

I think in a perfect world, I could communicate with out talking. Or maybe people wouldn't need to communicate at all. We could just exist in each others company.

I want to be that close to some one. I want someone who I can happily be alone around, and vise versa.

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