My leg hurts. Its lonely here. I hate complaining, but I started out in such a good mood, and was fine being alone, and got lots of visitors and felt loved. And it steadily got worse i guess. I was spoiled to early on, and then left alone too much. Might have been better to have the specialness spread out. Ah well I hate complaining. I opened to this page to try to remember and record a couple epiphanies I had today. They were short and perfect. Said simply and awesomely in their succinctness, which I don't remember.
But I'll start out with a side note, which is that my sister loves and cares about me. Sometimes its hard to stomach her shallow bubbly attitude, but she is loving. I'm her baby, her little sis. Right now she is making dinner. Trying to figure out what I'd like to eat. "I'm the mack and cheese boss." She just said. She tries to make me happy. She does it in the most ineffective way: through giving me things, but the will is there and I appreciate it. She brings me random gifts, like a frozen coffee drink from her work today. But I rarely have emotional interaction with her, I guess partly because I am unwilling to trust her. But then she talks about mundane things, and tries, to dress herself up to seduce people, god only knows why, and then suggests watching T.V. It makes me sad.
So to thoughts from the day. I watched Shortbus today. Its a movie. And after it I had a thought: Compassion. That sounds so corny, but compassion is what is necessary. In my opinion, the movie wasn't about sex, though there was so much of it, but it was about the importance of compassion, I guess, and how fake things can be. It can seem like you've got your life together: A good job, a husband, etc. But its not so tangible. It can be held together with strings woven of weak beliefs... That sounds corny. My point was that people don't really interact, and don't really exist without compassion (I can explain existence if need be, but I'd rather you just take it for granted for now). People can't truly feel compassion for one another without being open and vulnerable. So, Ok, entertainment, sex and all that is nice, but whats it worth if people don't take time out from it to experience each other and connect. Vulnerability is like taking off your clothes, and allowing someone to penetrate you. That analogy doesn't work so well when connected to the connotations behind sex. But compassion can be one of the most important gestures one has to you. Often, I think, opening up to someone spontaneously, allowing them your trust, and their responding with a well placed pet, or some kind of physical contact, or gesture of interaction is more fulfilling than a full bodied hug, a kiss, any amount of passion or sex. Because you know the person is interested in you. The person is connected to you. Your mind is much more tangible than your body. (the only thing you can prove exists is your own mind. Anything else might be a figment of it.) So, what I'm saying, is that with compassion, its not necessary for someone to hold you tight and not let go. With compassion you exist as yourself? That makes no sense.
I'll move on to my next thought, because my guess is that I don't have the scientific evidence to prove the above thought. I myself am left alone. I mean, I think its right. But after having that revelation clearly stated in a simple sentence in my head, I was very sad and wanted to hold another human being. I wanted to be wrapped up inside of someone. But alas, Both Genevieve and Bit were there. Bit is awkward. I was sadly not in an environment in which I felt I was allowed to be vulnerable. I think I had the thought because, in such a place as shortbus, I would have felt that i could do and be anything. I would cry, it would be allowed. Shortbus was a kind of club. I am so dorky, being affected by movies like this. But then again, whats the point of experiencing something if you don't take something away from it. (I usually try to avoid empty entertainment, unless it is allowing me to bond with a person.) I feel like in a place like that, I could get whatever kind of attention I wanted, even lack there of. Have you seen it? see it. You'll think I'm weird. But since normal obviously isn't healthy, what else can one strive to be. The best I can do I try to make my ideas the norm. Or at least, the good ideas of them.
The next idea. I was lying in bed, Genevieve and Bit on the floor. Bit was sleeping and Genevieve watching him. I was all alone on the bed, and I had this epiphany of singularity. Again, I don't remember how I phrased it, only how it felt. It felt un-lonely. I felt ok with being alone, because I wasn't alone. But I was aware of myself and the world around me in an unusually perfect porportion. Usually, when I am falling asleep, things get trippy and out of proportion, I tune out the world and drift out of my strange mishapen body to escape loneliness, depression and the world. Do you know the feeling? Your feet will be huge, then your hand, then your head... it all depend of what your most aware of. But there I was, lying as one body, simultaneously aware of all of my body. So my feet were the exact sixe the should be, and my hands and my heart beat. I was aware of where my bed was, what the sheets felt like, what my skin felt like, the feel of the wiond, the sound of the wind. I was aware of the position and sound of every one else in the house, and the exact position of all the brrier between us. The door, the amount of air. I was aware of the sounds of cars rushing past, and birds in trees, and wind in trees. This is nice, I thought. This is how to exist as one being without being lonely: be aware of the world around you in relation to you. Soak up its energy, so to say.... I don't know how to say it. Revel in the peice of space that you inhabit, and nothing is oppressing you. You are strong and whole, and your body function while the rest of the earth functions and moves. YOu fit in perfectly with it. The bit of space welcomes you, and you become it. That sounds corny, but I am bad with words; I think in images.
It was nice. I quickly changed moods again, but if I make myself think like that, I have ambition. Obviously the trick is keeping it.