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Overcomitted

Maybe i shouldn't be trying to learn more sound engineering on top of the paid gigs i get, on top of working at easy creole 6 days a week, on top of seeing 8 people. This is the second time I've met up with John Carr to spend some hours of my time following him around and picking up info. And both times I'm squeezing it in on days i already work because that is my only option. And both times I've felt angry and burnt out. I need to pay attention to whether this is a pattern.

I  don't know what I actually want to do with my time. This is how i end up overcomitted and unhappy.

I want to scream and kick and punch.

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Annie

Annie makes me smile. He sets my heart aflutter. Texting about grass waving in the wind, or sitting by the fire with him, feels like really good sexting in how it sets my heart to racing. He is intoxicating. If I'm lucky, I'm in the position to stretch out that magic for a good long while, with occaisional dates and a very slow relationship. My passion in life will be stoked and will bleed into my other relationships. When Annie's poetry stokes the bellows of heart I want to shine brighter onto the other souls who look to me with those big eyes, and spread how I feel. It's too much to feel alone, and by passing it on it just grows.
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Dear future Mack: read this and you will feel better.

Clementine Hawthorne Awww. Mack, you are one of my favorites. I don't know if you realize, but you've taught me a lot of things just by the way you exist, and take up space.

You inspire me by how you demand the space to be able to freely experience and express a range of emotions with the people you want to stick around, and only them because they're the ones worth the energy and effort to you. You take up space unapologetically, in a way that seems to demand respect. You are the exact opposite of me in a lot of ways- and often a much more reserved and less cushy communicator, but you still manage to be soft, and kind. You still are sensitive to mental illness and kind (but not enabling) to sensitive souls, you are a wonderfully balanced collection of traits that I normally thought totally contradicted each other.

The way you do softness is in a different way than me- A way that almost feels much more genuine and honest, because it does not come across as a panicked apology like my softness often can. I like that you tell people straight up what you expect from them. I like that you do not tolerate a lot of bullshit- it makes me stand up straighter and respect myself more around you. I think that you challenge those around you to be a little tougher and a little braver and a little louder.

I’m thankful for you, because you taught me that sometimes the kindest, softest hearts can also belong to people completely different than me, who will challenge me and not tolerate my bullshit.
I’ve become a better person just from my few experiences with you. I feel like our friendship won’t always be easy, but it feels like a lasting one to me. No matter how we might clash in the future, I will always respect you, and always be interested in your point of view. I know I don’t know you well, but what I do know has made it evident that I trust your judgement. Especially in people. The fact that you like me tells me i’m doing something right. I hope to continue that, and while I have no idea what the future will bring, in this moment I really hope you’re in it in some way.

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Mack Sowers It fills me with love to read that. I feel stronger, healthier, and more supported in my heart right now, just from reading that. Thank you for the gift of your time, self reflection, insight, sincerity and the eloquent diction required to share that with me. im going to save it some place I can find it again. I have faith that we will continue to learn things from each other, and my life will be better for getting to look forward to that.
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Why

Just had Jay read to me for 20 min. He sounded so pissed off I sort of wanted to run away. I had him read to me last night too, but for longer. In theory I like listening to his voice but this sort if objectively seems like a bad idea and a metephor for our relationship. I chase after and wait for him, then get a very small reward that is only debateably worth it, if I position my perspective just so, precariously. And the other persoective is right there behind the scenes, waiting.
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Reverse honeymoon

I think i made the best out of being in Hawaii with my 3rd ever longterm close partner riht after he decided he was leaving me for someone else. Considering he didn't want me anymore.
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Dating gulfie

I've been "officially" dating him since January 1st. Which seems silly, the officialness of it. But I've seen him so much that it is entirely possible I've seen him every day. Part of me wants to think and figure it out.
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Fix it man

When I want to do favors unasked, like someone's dishes, or mopping the floor or scrubbing the tub or spackleing and touching up a wall it's some mixture of wanting to be liked and appreciated, and purely wanting to take care of the items I'm fixing (for the sake of the item or for the sake of my wanting to use it).

I wonder what the percentage is of either. I wonder how much of my self worth I put into being helpful; having people want me around because I'm helpful. I wonder how comparable it is to others' self worth that is based on competency within jobs and careers.

I'm trying to not judge here, rather than just musing. It's not bad to be helpful. I enjoy it and others enjoy it, and I place a lot of value on bringing joy to myself and others. And to maximize that joy, it is useful to analyze my motivations; I'd like to make sure there is no self sabotaging or negativity nestled way back there. I suspect that there is; it'd be rather amazing otherwise. Even Buddhist monks have struggle with perspective on their own intrinsic worth sometimes.

Every person is equally worthy of life and happiness. Really. And most find that hard to believe for. Various understandable reasons. No matter how bad you think you or someone else is, the more any one person really believes this, the easier it is to believe. Murder doesn't make sense, verbal abuse doesn't make sense, etc, if you believe this.