mackenzie (mackelzinzie) wrote,

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"lets see if we can drive sanely" - Phil

"I think it's just force of habit now to make Mackenzie shaped holes when I sit." -Riva.
That touches my heart with a soft, caressing hand. Its hard to get used to being valued, and expected. People not only don't mind my company, they often seek it out, oh wow, and are even used to it! (how do I express the resulting emotion in one word? Yay.)

A conversation was begun because Riva supposed Sam might still be a little sleazy, and I said, Well If Sam is sleazy then I am sleazy. No, your not. Yes, by her definition, in fact I am. Coming back from Cazadero, while pretending to be almost totally asleep on Ben Hamilton, I started out with my hand on the upper part of his thigh, petting it, as I do. He was petting my shoulder at that point, I think. Now, keep in mind that this is a very long car trip, but by somewhere near the end, maybe 2/3 or 3/4 of the way, my hand was not only resting on his snickerdoodle, it was 'innocently' ...petting... it. Yes, Riva agreed that I am, in fact sleazy. So does that make Sam sleazy? He kissed me in spite of my black eyes, and let his hand wander well inside of my admitting non restrictive shirt. I mean, It was barely covering my nipple anyways... and I didn't care at all really. I let him do anything that I didn't mind (That was all). Does that make him a sleaze? It certainly makes him a lot like me. Anyhow, away from the subject of Sam and back to the fact that I am a know snickerdoodle tease. I like Ben's girlfriend. She is a sweet heart. I mean her no harm. I just wasn't thinking about it at the time. Ben knows me well enough apparently to (I think) not make anything of it, but he was also (and I barely even noticed this because I am so loose) reciprocating my "innocent touching". Obviously he noticed, and his hinds were lingering, and lightly petting the inside of my thigh, only perhaps an inch and a half away from my gumdrop button. (While it besides the point of this entry, I'd enjoy hooking up with him (Does hooking up relate to hooker?), but I should and probably will respect his girlfriend.)
So the point of this was that Riva laughed, saying, "oh, and I'd told Laurel you've changed!" I mean, I have, obviously. I don't really hit on everything that moves, I am pretty damn aware of it, at least comparatively. I'm still trying to work out why I do what I do, and control it better... Anyways. Laurel is beside the point as well, she doesn't have to fear me. But Riva told me that (I don't remember the prompt) she had told Laurel I don't dance as *something* as I used to. What was it? flirtatiously? I think I said "I don't?"
"Not like you used to."
"How was that?"
"Like the dance meant something. Sexual..."
"It was the way you throw yourself when you dance.... I'm too tired to explain it."
Ok, I believe her. I'm not doubting her.
"So It makes sense?"
"Yeah, I think I picked it up from my mom." She does that. People she hardly knows have proposed to her, just because of her dancing. Judging by observational guessing I'm probably worse than even she.
"So thats happen to you then? That sort at least?" Well I hadn't thought about it. She didn't mean proposals, but... Falling in love on the dance floor. Well, come to think of it, and I am, I do have that effect. How many times have I been called trouble? If I had been counting I would have lost count a while ago. I've been given many compliments, been told I look like Venus de Milo and other such pretty creatures, have gotten non verbal response of course, I've been tangoed into the wall, purposefully, so my partner could press against me... Christophe took quick interest in me, without my knowing... I've only ever fucked a dancer, and then there is Quinn. So, my dancing is like that and I am not surprised.
Then I thought, wait, how did Riva notice this? Gaskells and such, she responds. Damn, I say, feeling a little ashamed of myself, and I'm not even as bad at Gaskells. She's observant, that girl.

I love to hear the sound of the birds morning, Its beautiful to lay comfortably half awake, and smell the sound of the birds and the grey dawn colored light. Its as beautiful as deep silent chimes, maybe underwater, or translucent magenta. The pure meaning of peace and tranquility is 5 in the morning with nowhere to be and a nice dream still going on the threshold of consciousness. I was aware for a while of both the dream world and reality: My own solid soft body and the theoretical existence around it, which I consider not solid, as I sense it, but am not it. So, This caused My dream self to become a bird. (oh, the sweet bird girl, I cannot claim her as my own. One always does say, If you love a bird, set it free?)

I had a very nice, well loved day today. When I woke up, some where between ten and noon, my mom was speculating as to whether any friends would visit me today. I expected not and wished she would change subjects so I wouldn't get my hopes up. Shortly there after, Noltango paid a surprise visit. Oh that was so happy.After a while I tired of being petted and fondled (politely, sort of like a cat). He had a good sentence: "You are a good friend, whose sensuality I find comforting." Ok. Well, I think he is a good person, and he is a lot like myself in my antics, and I haven't faulted him in the past for being attracted to me, and I wasn't exactly being careful to not do anything that could potentially turn a person on, so whatever.I hope he didn't mind, I just had to kick him out because I wanted to take advantage of my rare ambition, and sew some. A bit later, Freya paid a visit (they are always in clusters!). T She finished her corset, quite nicely. She went outside to hammer her gromits, and it was the first time i had stepped outside since Monday. It felt so nice and warm. We came in, and while she reminisced over chocolate/vanilla jello pudding snacks, and stocked my fridge with Katsup, I put my manikin to actual practical use by pinning my skit around her waist and re-pinning the part that wasn't working. I drafted a very very complicated pattern, and all of it was working for the most part except for this one piece, but today I finally managed to not hate it. I wouldn't take it to be with me or warm my hand over the temperature of my heart after seeing it, but I can stand to ignore it well enough. It is no longer puffy. Now, all I have remaining is to put in a zipper, and I will feel proud of myself, and will move on to other sewing projects. The skirt makes me so happy. It also makes me happy that Heather visited last night. I love her so much! She brought me chocolate, and balloonies, and a pencil, and my brother. And convinced my sewing machine to sew. And she was very sympathetic to me... because I look awful of course. I love my brother too. So much.
But then my leg was hurting, after I fixed that part of the skirt (much as it is now) so I had to lay down. So I worked on a hemp necklace a little while Freya beaded, and I mostly watched her. The sun shined prettily through and around my eclectic curtains onto her glass beads and reflective eyes. It put form to her glowing personality. I took a picture.
She came to snuggle me in my bed when she should maybe have been leaving. I love her. Sweetheart. She was telling me of her drama. She hate it. And I managed to sympathize and care without really getting emotionally or actually involved. Nice. We decided that I am the anti-drama. I am loving but easygoing, and care for my own needs. Freya says she doesn't enough, but shes getting better at it. Both V and Art attract drama. I feel bad for them. We decided that Valliant is good for people, because they can learn from mistakes without getting too hurt; he isn't malicious. He never really means to hurt people. Especially not those he cares about. Oh poor boy. He too will eventually learn how to bypass a great deal of this hurt. So many bad ideas happen, but I understand. On a side note, he still hasn't called me, and I am afraid its because he thinks I will criticize him or tell him off when he does. Well I wont. Because I want him to call. And I'm not in the mood to be mad at him. I'll leave that to other people. No reason to bother with him; if I was going to be angry, I'd be better off just ignoring him. But I'd rather not, so I wont be angry. I just don't really want to put up with some one who only visibly cares about me when he can see me. I don't have the energy to keep track of people. However, that was a side note. What was the original? Not that I am the anti-drama. No, that I love Freya. She even said to me that she didn't want to leave, as she was leaving, and it was visible in her body language. I am obviously still not used to happiness.
Speaking of heart touching sweetness, I was going to go to pride with Leena and Freya, but Leena was really worried about my health. She was being such a sweet heart (though perhaps unnecessarily)... she was even worried I would die on the train back if I went alone. Awww... Then she talked it over with Freya, and they decided I shouldn't go. If I had really wanted to, I might have minded, but really I only wanted to go because I wanted to take Kiri, and the was not contactable, probably out of town. If it weren't for the eventual seduction of an innocent, sweet, sheltered, beautifully androgynous tranny, I would have no interest in seeing it again. I don't feel great. Anyhow, It was sweet Leena cared.

Around late evening, 7ish or 7:30, Riva called, because she was planning on playing cards with her parents, and her parents wanted to know if I'd join them. I decided to, and had a very nice time playing heart, and seeing Riva again after a week.

All in all, a good day.
Tags: dancing, flirting, freya, friends, happiness, introspection, love, mom, morning, noltango, prose, quinn, realizations, relationships, riva, valliant

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