Had a weird dream:

-my parents wanted to adventure so I had to get rid of everything I owned and prepare to backpack for basically the rest of my life.

-after stressing a lot I decided that I wanted a back up plan, and they happened to have an apartement that they could but never did use, it was grad student housing inexplicably provided to them for free. And it was very stressful moving all my stuff over there on my own, I felt like everyone was looking at my weird. and there was only a very tiny unreliable elevator, and the apartement was on the 17th floor.

-I was also feeling rushed because something unnamed and antagonistic was looking for us or something.


-The mission was to build power-lines in all the poorer communities in our area-- there was a whole huge valley full of people who didn't have phone or powerlines, although they were the people who built the power lines else where. so we figured they'd know how to.

-Im not sure when I became a grey 80 year old man working on this project alone. and then we were trying to enlist the help of birds. Unsuccessfully. And I tried hang-gliding, but there were problems there too. So I threw in the towel an woke up.

I am so exhausted. So so exhausted. Tuesday morning through thursday evening are scheduled to the brim, leaving me enough time to eat and crash. I might relax a little on thursday evening, and I try to always make some time to relax either Friday or saturday, but I spend the rest of the weekend doing homework and whatever else needs doing.

And now it is Sunday, the historical day of rest before the week beings again, and already I am so exhausted. How will I get thorough the week?

I think that it is possible to develop a relationship with god, and to be spiritual, without *necessarily* beleiving in God. I should attempt to define what I mean by spirituality. It has to do with being at peace and feeling connected to and inspired to the world around you, be it a leaf, a sip of water, a parking lot, or the feel of the normal force created by the interaction between the ground, you, and the gravitational force

Perhaps I do believe in God, but I don't feel that is necessary to question whether or not I do. I am trying to explain how my reasoning and belief system works.

I believe that it is very important to questions things; it is very important not to assume.

However I believe there are exceptions to this. When questioning, it is important to not get upset about things that I cannot change. (I don't enjoy casual arguments. Discussions between people with differing ideas, yes- Arguments, no. More on that later, probably.) It is important to enjoy life. That is something I believe is most important to strive for (more on that later too). When my questioning leads to a great deal of unhappiness for no reason (no reason meaning that there would be no way to direct my anger in a constructive way. A constructive way would probably manifest as some form of activism, especially in the form of education), I feel that I should let it go and direct my energy towards more fulfilling and fruitful things. Perhaps art, edcation, or discovering a way to change the world for the better.

When realizing it is important to make assumptions, one also has to realize that some assumptions are necessary. I feel that many people can fall into a philosophical trap when realizing that "nothing can be known," and when making the jump in logic from not seeing how things relate or impact anything significant on a large scale, to "nothing matters." There is a name for that school of thought. Feel free to inform me, because I might be wrong. I am not that well read. Although philosophically, I believe that I can not prove that there is a universe, and I do not beleive in Absolute Reality, I also think that that doesn't matter. Whether I beleive other people exist, I am required to behave as if they do, unless I happen upon a way to transgress this reality. For my own well being, I will make assumptions, if it enables me to interact with people and things around me in a useful way. Whether or not it is real doesn't matter to me, because my goal is to be happy, and for as many people as possible be as happy as possible for as long as possible.

The thought process I attempted to describe in the above paragraph is why some people have described me as an optimistic (or humanitarian) nihilist. Though perhaps it is closer to existentialism (excepting that I value morals... because I believe in human rights in so much as in the reality that I live in, I am aware of suffering and want to affect a healthier society).

I believe I may have effectively explained why it is important not to not to get into some specific (most) types of arguments, and the exceptions to not assuming things. My goal was to explain the idea of not questioning things. I don't think I have effectivly connected this to relations with god and spirtuality.

Let me attempt to explain. I have a *very* active imagination. It allows me to empathize without having personal experience, it allows me to tell stories (in so much as coming up with characters and describing situations), it enables me to give massages (and do many things well with the human body, because I imagine how the body works and what I am doing feels like... in an almost visual way), and it stands in for actual belief, I think. For example, I can do reiki, without really believing in it, because my ability to imagine the energy transfer. I've frightened people with how strong I am at it, even someone who did not herself believe in it. She also had a strong imagination. And when I imagine god, or imagine my relation with the world around me, in such a way that I find peace and inspiration, I think that that is as real as anything. Whether I actually believe in god is irrelevant.

My interests... time to be narrowed, and specified, I believe. It may be time to reevaluate my goals and plans, according to a hypothesis I've developed based on the experience of the first couple weeks of college.

I've noticed that I have trouble focusing on writing and reading.

I've noticed that I miss:

Painting
Sewing
silks
writing music


I like the idea of having a store front where i run my life, maybe a house nearby or attached? No, just nearby. If it is attatched then I would want to be home. (I've noticed that I don't pay attention to others as readily when I am home, and am more likely to give my full attention to others when I am elsewhere, unless I have something pressing to do. At home there is always something that needs doing.)

In this store front I would sell really interesting and unique clothes. Some would be hand made, some merely altered, some only found. I would take orders for alterations. Perhaps I would have a sewing club bi monthly.

I would have a rock band, and I would sit in my store playing my viola da gamba writing songs, or else sewing. I would have a loved one with similar interests there helping me. I would have a tall ceiling so I could do silks.

Maybe I'll study painting next year. Maybe I'll actually try to become a tattoo artists. If I try hard enough I could make it happen. I think I have the talent for it.

If I do tattoos, perhaps I can run it out of my store front.



This, my people, is a recipe to be mediocre at several different things at once, in such away that unless I make up for it with an astoundingly creative way to combine all my interests, none of this will happen.

No one wants a mediocre tattoo artist. they wont care that I happen to also be a mediocre acrobat, musician, and seamstress, they just want a well done tattoo. Same to be said for anyone who wants to pay a seamstress or acrobat.

Unless I become a famous enough musician that people just want to buy my clothes because it is me, or I become talented enough that I can play music while in the air... wearing really interesting clothes......

Child Development, Viola da Gamba, baroque ensemble, music theory, music history, Philosophy and Politics: Plato and Hobbes, Rumba Tap (Cuban Tap dancing), Contact improv, American sign language (not for credit).

I have so much respect for people who can write music. So much. Music is a whole other language.

Sure, but it is a language. Think about it like this. Music is like when you are holding a monologue in your mind, and you have everything there. all the little *subtleties* of movement, the way you twitch your brow ever so slightly, smile, change your stance, LAUGH. You know how and when to make it CLIMAX, and you feel it in your body. You feel the very being of your words become you. They fill you with joy, they tear you apart with sorrow. Every. Single. Little. Thing, your monolouge does, you hold inside you. Music is like that. Each note- a little twitch, or maybe a change in inflection. You FEEL it the same way, the whole of it, the sorrow and joy, the climax and all the little subtlties. And so many people had this thing inside them to get out, this language, this elemental form of communication, that people figured out how to write it down.

That's all, its just a way to write all that down.


So is it that I have respect for people who can write the notes they hear in their head on a peice of paper? Or is it that I have the utmost respect, and envy even, for people who can FEEL all of that at once, and hold on to it for long enough to keep it.

Just saying. I have great luck. Hope it stays that way. I'm taking dicreet math, tap dance, music history, Child development phsycology, Baroque ensemble, Contact improv, Viola da gamba lessons...

I am going to try out for Rocky horror, and try to throw a contra dance here.

My fake-mother's neice is looking for a place to live in the portland area. If you know anything or know anyone who knows anything then please let me know.

"they have 3 dogs and 1 cat and 2 people, so a 2 bedroom with a fenced yard....hopefully a safe neighborhood"   I've met her and she is super nice.

I mean, obviously she is going to look at craigslist and such too. Suggestions? Advice?

I feel unremarkable on my bike, but I still turn heads. What is so special?

In other news I am sort of doing 5.9s at Iron works. Its only really my second time. I did it once when I was little, or a few times when I was little, but was terrified the whole time. I left today before I was tired, cause my buddies were done.

My abs still feel amazing from aerials last night. I need stay this active. I miss parkour and wrestling, but I didn't like either *that* much. I just miss them.

I know some people lookin for housing in the berkeley, oakland, bay area whatever area.

If you know anything, let me know.

I was thinking about the future and christmas.

Perhaps when i have kids, we wont exchange gifts so much as we will decorate each other and bake goodies and go on a nice walk or something pretty and fun, and then I'll give kids some... what... money? or something so I can get them something they want for something they want to do.

Little IOU notes so that they have to be like, mommy, I want I skate board, and I saved up enough notes for it. It'll introduce the concept of banking?

I forget how I came to the conclusion, but i like myself.

I am stealing Mackenzieeeeeeee
muahahaha

Do I have to lock my entries to keep out undue negativity and gossip? really?

I didn't want to leave where I was, but felt I should go support Brian by showing up.

My bike broke twice on the way home to get dressed.

on the way there I fell of my bike twice, hurting my feet, and my back bike light fell off and broke.

When I got there, and was locking up my bike, some guy started peeing on the sidewalk a few feet away from me. (that is Telegraph for you)

There were 5 women and three men total. after a while Iggy and Maggie showed up. Partly this is because I was late.

My skirt was too short, showing my ass. Making me a little self conscious. I was having a hard time dancing to the music Brian had chosen. perhaps I just wasn't in the right groove: not having enough partners (and they were all worn out), feeling self consious etc.

On the way back I went the wrong way down one way streets thrice.


But I'm in an ok mood in spite.

ben pushed me some of the way to Kensington, but it was still a vigorous bike ride for me. The Huffy I'm borrowing is so so heavy. I feel so beautiful and healthy right now because of the ride. I am hoping my legs are sore tomorrow.

Ben is so amazing. He went on this ride and helped me up the hill, and ten treated me to Thai food afterwards.

we got to Myles house and I finished the hair cut that Sara started, and there was much fun had. I had cookies, fruit-tart, cheese/crakers, wine, and chocolate cake. We hung out with Mike Bloxam too, Myles' dad. He is pretty funny.

BIking back wasn't as scary as I thought. Biking down hill is scary in different way than biking up hill is on that bike. I only have a brake for the back wheel, you see. luckily I have good control. I got a scare a couple times going down hill on the way there.

Now I am well fed and sleepy. I was a good day, all of it!

We have no community, no accountability.

The police are there for extreme shit, but I think that just encourages people to not "get into other people's business."

People don't want to be rude, or rock the boat. Or they feel entitled to their actions, or don't know how to act, don't know how to be close to people (mostly women) without violating them.



Share with me stories of the exceptions. The guys who surprised you be being a reasonably good person.

Hey. guess what. I am happy. Yup.

I just doesn't go away. I am just sort of stuck this way most the time. Well, not stuck. it just happened this way. Stuck would imply things should be making me unhappy.

Actually there are a few things that do/did. But I dealt with that. Because Being unhappy does not get anything done for me right now.


Happy happy happy. It just doesn't go away.

Barbara's friend Lorna has one (or two) rooms to rent for 4 or 5 hundred/month. Right next to rockridge Bart. Musicians preferred.

That's all.